I hate being lonely, but alas that is what I am…LONELY!!!!  I felt it building, this loneliness when I started going to church.  I know how odd, shouldn’t you be less lonely when you go to church?  Aren’t there people there to talk to?  Well the answers to those questions are yes.  But no one really ever wanted to talk to me.  Oh I had one, maybe two people that would chat with me both at church and outside of it.  But for the most part, I felt unwelcomed. 

 

Even when I started working for the church I felt lonely.  I was new to the whole Jesus thing and so much wanted to learn.  I just felt I never got the chance.  I was always butting heads with someone.  By that I mean, I was always causing problems.  And it was my fault that problems came up…ask anyone of the pastors I worked for they will tell you in a heartbeat what a pain in the…

 

I tried to get better, I went to therapy, I went to bible studies, I prayed daily.  But to no avail.  I still had no friends.   I am not a perfect person.  I have a great many faults.  The one I thought I didn’t have was being there when someone needed me.  And silly me thought that those same people would do the same for me.  I still wasn’t good enough for them. 

 

I don’t cry myself to sleep as much as I use too, I am almost out of tears.  I try not to think about how lonely I am cause I have a son and daughter and you don’t do that to them.  I burden my husband with way too much because I don’t have anyone else to talk to.  I am just waiting for him to say shut up.  I do have some friends from highs school that I keep in touch with, but they don’t live here.  So it’s not their battle, it is mine.  I probably wasn’t that good of a friend to them either.  I am so sorry for that.

 

My loneliness has gotten worse.  I am more down today then I have been in years.  I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming, I am the problem.  I can say that I am so very sorry that I was not a nice enough person for you to call a friend.  This is a hard lesson to learn, and I hope that before I die that I have some friends to talk to.  That I have someone other than my husband to tell some secrets too.  To share some laughs with.  I love my husband but he doesn’t deserve this. 

 

I hate being lonely…but alas that is what I am.