Archive for May, 2009


I often sit and wonder why people are so mean. Why there are so many hurtful things done on a daily basis? It takes a lot of energy to be that mad. I often wonder if they put that much energy into being and doing positive things then maybe they’re out look would be different.

I mean how many hurtful things can you say about someone and still show your face? Why would you think that would do anyone any good? How many times can you sabotage someone because they got something that you wanted? When is it time to move past the petty things that keep you crying yourself to sleep at night, that keep you putting food, drugs, alcohol in your body before you stop and take a look at yourself.

Blaming others is easy; I know I use to do it myself. It takes a bigger person to stop blaming others for his or her mistakes, past, opportunities lost and to start taking the blame him or herself. No one wants to do that, it’s not pretty. It really sucks and it only leaves you and the purple elephant that is sitting in the room to work it out. And you do have to work it out. You can’t stay in that room; I couldn’t stay in that room and move my life forward. Because it wasn’t moving, all I was doing was walking around in a revolving door going only in circles. Nothing was changing and it wasn’t going to until I stopped the door and stepped out into the sun. That’s when I could see me. That’s when I could see the person I had become. That’s when I knew I didn’t like that person.

When you get out of that door you need to just sit and stare at nothing. I mean nothing. You have to break yourself down and rebuild yourself back up. No one can do that for you and they shouldn’t. NO one helped you get to the place you are now trying to get out of. I realized that when I got out of the revolving door. Things are never as bad as they seem, okay some can be, but it is how one takes those and looks at them, not in a negative light but in an honest open flame. When you can do that then when the hard, easy catastrophic ones happen it doesn’t affect your core.

No one said it was going to be easy, so I won’t say that I had it easy. I still struggle day to day with not beating myself up and not beating others up. I don’t like that person. I want to be a better person. My life is not perfect and when I stopped wanting it to be that way my revolving door stopped.

So I often sit and wonder why people are so mean…then all I have to do is remember what I use to do and think back on a life that was wasted in turmoil and grief. I grow every a new understanding of people every day and I cherish that experience and accept the challenge that it brings.

Every morning I have my quiet time. Every morning I spend a little time with God. Every morning we start off the same way.

I pray. I pray for what I am thankful for. I pray for there to be some guidance in the direction I am supposes to go, the things that God wants me to do. I pray that my family is safe. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for friendships.

But I don’t just pray; I have a conversation with God. I talk to Him and He listens. I get mad at Him and He lets me. I cry, I laugh and I just stand in silence. I stand there just being and He lets me. God lets me just be.

When the conversation is over, I pray again. This time I tell Him thank you. I tell Him that I love Him. Sometimes I even ask if He loves me. It’s not like I don’t know the answer, but it is nice to be reassured.

When all that is said and done, I do one more thing. I sing. Boy do I sing. I sing loud and hard. I sing rock songs, country songs and kiddie’s songs. I sing silly songs and songs that make me cry.

I do this because I can. I do this to be me. I do this to have that extra moment alone with the Prince. So on top on praying and talking in the shower, I sing in the shower with Prince

Trying to Stop a Runaway Train

springtimeSometimes when you are just standing and waiting, life happens. One minute you’re a 10 year old with dreams of being a rock star then you’re an 18 year old hopping you don’t trip while walking to get your diploma. Then BAM…you are 25 and working in a job you wish you could leave.

Sometimes when you are just standing and waiting, life happens. You get engaged and plan a wedding. You are so sure the priest will be late for the wedding that you ask your mom to call him three times. Then the next thing you know you have been married for 23, 24, or 25 years.

Sometimes when you’re just standing and waiting, life happens. You can’t explain it and sometimes you can’t even comprehend it. One minute you where playing baseball with your brothers or sisters, the next you are coaching your own team.

Sometimes when you are just standing and waiting, life happens. Your son is graduating high school your daughter is starting middle school. He can drive, she wishes she could. He is talking about life after college; she just wants to make it to Friday. All you can do is smile. Wasn’t that you, a few years ago?

Where did the time go? Wasn’t it just here?
“Excuse me sir, can I have the time?”

Sometimes when you are just standing and waiting, life happens. It always does. It always will. I can’t freeze time, you can’t freeze time. So what do you think it would be like to stop time? Me, I think it would be like…

Trying to Stop a Runaway Train…

The chase would be long, and hard, but look at what you would miss.
Sometimes you just have to just stand and wait; the train will come, just let it slow down, jump on board and enjoy the ride. Isn’t that what life is all about?

I’m mad…Not so much mad as just plain fet up. I want to go back to the days when the sky was always blue; the sun was so bright you had to wear shades. The grass so green that it just begged you to play a game of baseball on it.

I’m mad…Not so much mad as just plain tired. I want to go back to the days that when you went to bed you were able to go sleep and dream of dreams to come. To snuggle under the covers because it was fun and to listen to the one you love sleep.

I’m mad…Not so much mad as lonely. I want to go back to the days when people sat out on their front porch and talked to people who walked by. To the days when “Mayberry’s” were in fashion. Where you went in only when the lighting bugs were done lighting up.

I’m mad…not so much mad as disappointed. I want to where the time goes. Whatever happened to slowing down and smelling the roses? To skipping stones across a pond, to catching frogs and scaring your brothers or sister.

I’m mad…not so much mad as frustrated. I want to go back to when you miss the countdown to summer. When summer break meant vacation, fun or not When nothing mattered but that summer love that you knew would happen this summer.

I’m mad…not so much mad as puzzled. I want to know why we make things harder then they need to be. Why we can’t see the forest for the trees? Knowing that the glass is half full instead of half empty.

I’m mad…not so much mad as scared. I want to know when we stopped counting stars in the sky. When we forgot what it was like standing in the rain without and umbrella.