Archive for June, 2009


clouds2I am lost. I am in the deepest and darkest depths of personal depression I have been in in years. I am losing the battle. I don’t want to; I just don’t know how to stop the negative thoughts and voices that keep me up at night.

The voices that keep telling me that no one will like you, you are not good enough. The church is no place for you. So what do I do…I listen. I cave; I do whatever I have to to make what the voices say come true. It’s not hard, I have had years of practice and it is even easier now because I don’t have a church home. I am too scared to have one.

What church would want me there, my family yes, but not me. So I stand off, I act cold, I give off the “stay away from me vibes” so no one will come near me. Yes it is a trust issue with me; if you have read my past blogs you already knew that. But it is much more, I am fighting a demon that wants to win and I don’t know how to stop him. I can’t stop him on my own, but I am so afraid to ask for help. I am afraid that no one will hear me or want to help. Let’s face it I am a piece of work. I mean it would take a village to get this person back together. Who the heck wants to deal with that?

My faith I have always questioned, not so much mine I guess but God’s. Like why would He want someone like me to be a part of His family? I am not worthy of that at all. At least I don’t feel like I am. I have always viewed God as someone who is just waiting for me to mess up. Just like my dad did. Like the people I use to work for…at a church. Funny I know.

Maybe I don’t know what it is like to actually be a part of a real church. I know I don’t. I also know I don’t know how to stop hurting the chances I have at being a part of one. I attend one now, and I just adore it. I know in my heart this is the church for me and my family to be at, yet the old feelings of not being what they want me to be keep creeping back up and I look for the imperfections. I look for what is wrong. I look for the devil in the red dress to come and say “See I told you so.” So that I will be this shell of a soul once again.

I am tired, I am so very tired. The climb I have is great and the road I have to go down is long. I am not sure how to do it. What are the steps that one must take? How does one go about the quest to save ones soul? I am open to any and all suggestions. I know I have to do something, I just know that I can’t do it alone.

I would also like to say to the church that I attend if they will give me another chance and won’t give up on me then I won’t give up on fighting this demon who is hell bent on keeping my soul. I want Jesus to be the one in my soul…that is the quest I am on. Will you help?

Wow! That Made Sense…

I hate it when I sit in church and the light bulb goes off. Not that I don’t want to learn and grow but I have been in this lonely not liking me period that I never thought that anything would make me want to begin to come out of it. Then Sunday happened.

As I sat in the back row of the church listening to the pastor pour his heart out into what is to become the vision of the church and then talking to him afterwards I was starting to get pissed off at myself. Not because I have a right to be angry at what has happened to me in the past, but that I continue to let it take over my life. Not that I am going to be Mary Poppins by any means, but Sunday spoke to me in the way that was saying that “Yeah some Christians give us a bad name, but I can do something about it.” I don’t have to be the Christian that says one thing and does another. I can be the Christian, or as I would like to call myself Christ Follower, that actually means what I say and then does it. I can spread the good word of Jesus and talk to people. Okay maybe not all in one day and I will need help. It has been a while since I was able to really trust and talk to people. Not my big comfort zone…but I have to start somewhere and I have to start now.

God gave me talents to use, not to just sit on them and hope someone will notice. He gave me a gift that He wants me to share with others. I just have been so busy worried that others won’t like me or that they will hurt me like so many have in the past, and you know what …they will. Yes it will devastate me, yes it will set me back, and yes I will cry a thousand tears once again. But the difference will be that this time I will have my true friends to back me up and be there for me.

Sometimes when God closes a door, He opens a window we just have to be strong enough to move the curtains and go through. My curtains are parted and the breeze is coming in. My sails are filling with the breath of God and my boat is headed out to sea. I want to be someone who will make someone else go…

Wow! That made sense.

It’s Time

I won’t lie to you; it felt like someone had hit me in the gut when I was told my church would be closing. How is that possible? I kept asking myself. I thought we were in scale down and save money mode. Well it had nothing to do with money, but all to do with, well I don’t really know what the real reason is and in some way it doesn’t really matter now. All I know is that I was put in a position that I did not ask to be in. I always thought that God would let me know when it was time for me to move on, and I don’t recall hearing him on this one.

Well, now was the time to let everyone else know what was about to happen to them. So on Sunday, Feb. 17th they found out. Once again, it felt like someone hit me in the gut. I watched as these people who, just the Sunday before couldn’t care less about the church or what was going on with it, all of sudden were crying and asking why? They were asking me why? I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t breathe.
So I just stopped. Stopped feeling. Stopped loving. Stopped praying. I blamed a lot of people for the failure of the church. I blamed everyone from the top to myself. I really blamed myself the most. I kept thinking and asking why I couldn’t fix this one? I held it all in and one day, about two weeks after the closing, I exploded. My daughter was the “lucky” one to get the full brunt of the pent up anger. The anger that was not going to go away till I dealt with all of this.

So just as my thoughts were getting darker that’s when the message that I was to deliver to someone was delivered to me. I was never sure if I had ever heard from God, always thought you had to sit and be really quite and listen for that to happen. But I just knew this dream I as having was a conversation with Him. I had many of them, but the conversations were all the same. Always in the same room, an office. Always the same message to the same person. The only thing that would change was how the office was presented.

It started off with half the office in darkness with a voice coming from the other side. I was seated in a chair. The first question I asked is “Why? Did this happen?”God said, “It’s not your fault this happened.” He continued, “I have a messaged I need you to take to someone.” I asked “Why?” God said, “, because he won’t listen to me anymore.” “Why me?” I asked. God said, “It’s time.” “Okay.” I said. “Tell him I know he’s hurt and I am sorry. I tried to get his attention on many occasions, but was never able to get through; I would like him to know that the other visions that were cast were not from me. The vision that he was sent with when he moved here was the one I gave him.”That is where my dream ends, every time. But as I said I have had the same dream on many occasions and they change at the beginning but the conversation is always the same. It goes from a being a half dark office with a voice, and me in a chair. To a desk and chair with a light shining on the chair, with a voice. Me in a chair. With the last one being a desk and a chair with Jesus sitting in it wearing a suit. Me in a chair.

God hasn’t talked to me since then, or if He has I just haven’t paid attention. I hear a lot of voices in my head, some good most not. So it is very hard for me to quiet them and just listen. I do pray that one day God will talk to me again whether in a dream or just in a moment that strikes Him. I really miss not hearing from Him. I really miss not being able to hear Him. The time in my life that this whole blog takes place really happened and I was and still am a little bitter about how everything went down, because there was more. That is why I try to pour a lot of my hidden anger, bitterness and hope out into this blog. I really do love Jesus and I really do want to have that relationship with Him again.

I did tell the person I was suppose to tell, but that is another story…