Archive for April, 2010


Questions?

So what would you say to me if you knew a loved one’s’ last day on earth was tomorrow?
How much of you would you be willing to give to them?
What would you do if you found a bank bag of money?
If you only had $10.00 to spend on either beer or milk what would you choose?
How many kids are too many?
Why are dogs better then people?
Do you think Jesus would visit your church today?
When you see a person holding a sign for help, what do you think?
Do you know who your kid’s friends are?
How many times have you said “No” today?
How many times have you said “yes”?
Shouldn’t “Going Green” be a good thing?
Are Christians on Christians on Sunday?
How many days of the week are you a Christian?
Do you give unto others?
Did you see the lady drop her groceries?
Did you offer to help?
Where you polite to the person at the register seeing that they are having a stressful day?
Or did you just add to that stress?
Have you hugged your kids today?
Did you tell your husband/wife you love them?
Have you checked the mirror?
WWJD?
Questions?

Learning to Live in the Dark

I often wonder why people can be so indifferent to the struggles of ordinary people. Then I remember…we live in a “What’s in it for me?” Generation. It does truly sadden me though because I know there are people out there that truly do care about the ones around them. I do, but it saddens me to admit it that I am tired of it.
I am tired of caring for things that I don’t care about. I would help anyone in any given moment do almost…I do have limits…anything. Move, paint, take to the doctor even just be a shoulder for them to cry on. I do care and I think that is why when don’t see caring in return, not just to me but anyone, then I really start to question people’s motives.
People don’t always show you that they need your help. So just walking by and saying “Hi, how are you today?” And then not waiting to hear the answer, or only hearing what you want. That is not caring, that is pseudo caring. A show of care. It makes one feel good. It just doesn’t make the person you just walked by and basically shunned feel good.
There will come a day when everyone that you felt too busy to stop and listen to will no longer be there. They will have been lost to the world of “What’s in it for me?” generation. They will forever be wondering what they did wrong. Why can’t they just get people to talk to them, to smile at them, just look at them?
I am one of those people; I sit and wonder what I need to do to get people around me to like me. I know not everyone will, but I didn’t think everyone wouldn’t. I can come across as being defensive and “gruff” That is only because I have been hurt so many times that I don’t let just anyone in, so if someone would just talk to me, get to know me…maybe they would like me. My husband says that I am not tough as I would like people to think I am. Deep down I know he is right, but my wall is still up. I haven’t found any reason to bring it down.
I don’t lump all people in this category. I do lump most. It’s hard to find a place to be yourself if you are always being the one on the outside looking in. The one that has tried, maybe not the way some people would like, but has given everything that she can and more just for that one honest “Hi, how are you doing?” and the person would stay to find out. The one who knows that if they keep asking and listening then maybe they can help improve the life of that person. Just by a simple act of kindness.
Maybe if I see that, just maybe then I can stop learning to live in the dark.

Trust me I’m a Ninja

Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a world that has no problems, has no troubles and has now worries. Heck I would like to visit that place on vacation sometime just to get away from it all. But I digress…
Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a kid again, watching Saturday morning cartoons, eating cereal that turns your milk blue and coloring just to color. Oh sure you can do that now, but people think you are a little bit weird.
Sometimes I think that it would be nice to be a pet, all your needs are taken care of, you have someone who loves you…period, belly rubs. No belly rubs for us…again people would consider that weird.
Sometimes I think it would be sweet to be a wild animal, running free in the woods, jungles or even swimming free in the ocean. Living in the great wide open spaces and not having to worry about showering.
Sometimes I think it would be cool to live the Hollywood life, being famous, big house, lots of cars, latest clothes and of course the money would be great too. But again I digress…
Sometimes I think it would be awesome to live out one of the number one songs on the Billboard top 100. You know like the one Nickleback, Tim McGraw, Journey, Bon Jovi etc. Being number one would just be a bonus.
Sometimes I think it would be interesting to live out one of the bestselling books, like a really good mystery maybe one written by John Grisham, James Patterson, and Patricia Cromwell. I would love to solve a good mystery.
Sometimes I think it would be fun to live in Never Never land you know where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell live. Never growing old, having fun chasing Capt. Hook, laughing when he gets scared by the crocodile.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a world with no problems, no troubles and has no worries. Some where you could just be yourself, somewhere if you walked up to someone and said…
Trust me I’m a Ninja
They wouldn’t laugh at you…they would smile and simply say… “Me too.”

Sometimes you ask the simplest questions and get a vast array of answers. Some good, some are, well let’s just say some are better left where they started. I can ask a lot of questions about a lot of different things. Lately my questions have been about God. Why? Good question.

I have always struggled with thinking God loves me. That there could be someone out there who loves me with no strings attached. Yes I am married, but even when you get married, have the one that makes you smile day in day out. There are always strings attached. Who is going to do the dishes? Who is going to dust? I don’t do windows. You get the picture, they love you and you love them but there are strings attached. People say God doesn’t have strings attached. To me that is just baffling. No strings attached.

So what might my questions be…Wow so many to even put down. The big ones are…Why are you so far away? Why is this happening? Probably the same type of questions anyone has when they are faced with difficulties. I have just been asking them lately because my faith is not as strong as it once was.

Now let me explain something, I did not grow up in church, some say that is a good thing others are shocked. My dad only went to church when he felt bad, and if you know my dad that was not very often. My mom was not strong enough to stand up to my dad and take us. So we just didn’t go. So after having my second child and a breakdown of epic (there is that word again) proportion my husband and I felt something was missing. So we set out on a journey and after a long process we found a church. It felt right, it felt comfortable. Big mistake.

They kept calling God the Father. Well I didn’t want to have anything to do with that. They kept saying God was always with you. Really I don’t remember Him being there when I was crying my eyes out at the age of 8 after having my bottom whipped with a belt for just being a girl. They kept saying God doesn’t give you more then you can handle. Okay this one just crawls up my skin…if God doesn’t give you more then you can handle then why would He put a child into the position of having to defend herself, her mother and her brothers. All the while knowing that the one she is defending from is drunk and could care less if she lived or died. I always wondered why?

Like I said I knew something was missing, found a church, felt comfortable and then the floor just opened up and I fell through. I feel like I have been climbing out of that hole for the last 9 years. Yes I am a new Christ Follower. Is that why I question these things, could be. But I also wanted to know why I wasn’t having these same eye opening, jaw dropping can’t believe that just happened thing that all the other Christians said had happened to them and should happen to me. I didn’t speak in tongues when I became a Christ Follower, I didn’t hear the angels sing when I was baptized in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. My life was not any better, richer, easier, and lighter because God was now a part of my life…in fact it got a lot harder. Everyone said I just wasn’t doing it right, I didn’t believe hard enough, I didn’t pray long enough, I was not a good Christian. I believed them.

I was new to all this. It was like living with my father all over again. So what did I do…I started acting up. I started stirring the pot. I thought if God was going to love me He would love me for me. Okay so that didn’t last, I got called into the “principles” office, and I was terrified of the pastor. Not that he was a bad person; he was just so much wiser in the ways of God and in a position of authority that it made me scared. Do you know what he did…he offered me a job. I took it. Didn’t stop my question asking, didn’t stop my wondering what I was doing wrong that I couldn’t get any closer to God then all the people in the church. But what it did do was give me a way to ask my questions. It gave me a way to let me be me and get to know God on my own terms. It was an eye opening experience one that I cherish and think back on all the time.

I still struggle with God as the father, I still struggle with why am I not as close as that person is to God. I still struggle with my own insecurities and lack of faith sometimes. Like right now. But the difference now and then is that I know God better now and I also know that He knows me and has. He knew my voice before me. I also know that He is big enough to let me question and ponder things on my own and when I am done and can do no more, He welcomes me back. Will this ever change? Will this ever get better? Will I ever stop asking questions?

Can anyone really tell you what time it is?

Leaning to the left…

Okay so if you haven’t already guessed I use my blog as a means to control the “voices” in my head. I use my blog to help me understand certain things in my life, both past and present. It is not a pretty thing, both my blog and my life; it is…and will be…a work in progress.
I am not perfect and I don’t want to be perfect. I am truly okay with that. It is just that some days not being perfect can just weigh very heavy on me. It is my personality and I can’t change that.
I can’t change the fact that I can’t open up to people and let them know how I feel. I can’t just go ask people for help. Even when I am at my darkest hour…it all goes back to how I HAD to grow up. I try hard not to blame that, whole growing up thing, I think it is a crutch used way too often. I do though have a hard time making friends and a hard time keeping them. I am not a person who trusts. I let few people in and keep a lot out.
I am a Christ follower and do believe in God. Sometimes we don’t talk. Do I think God is mad at me? No, I think God is big enough to let me come back to Him when I do. (And I do) These all come in waves and are usually set off by something that I can’t control. Yes I am a control freak, just ask my husband. Some of these episodes are short and nothing major happens and some, like the one I am in right now, last for longer periods of time. Sometimes the voices are stronger then my will to fight. I slip and I fall.
It is who I am. This is why I don’t talk to a lot of the women at my church. Not that I don’t think they would understand, but because I am, and I don’t mind saying it, a little nuts. I can’t really let my guard down, it keeps me safe. I do have some very good friends that I have known forever, and for them I will be forever grateful for their support. I just can’t lean on them all the time. That is why I have the blog, and a therapist. I trust them, I trust my husband and I trust God there are just times when I have to get down in the mud and wrestle this out and then get up and say “I give up.”
So if you are okay with me just rambling about nothing and sharing some things that are going to be deep, dark, and sound mean. But it is my life and the more I can get the “voices” in my head to be still the better my life will be. The more I can open up and see the glass as half full and that the sun is bright then my life will not be such a tragic epic. (Epic really) The more I can stand up straight and be happy with myself the less I will keep…

Leaning to the left.

Lately I have been sitting and looking at how much I have messed things up in my life. I have very few friends and the ones I do have don’t talk to me often if at all. My family is messed up by the actions of my insecurity. Heck I think I have even managed to make my dogs neurotic.

It’s not like it should come as a surprise to anyone who does know me. I have been this way all my life. I mess up things and destroy others. I am not a good person. You know I have even managed to tick off the one being that is said to never get mad at you. God. Yeah I have screwed that relationship up as well. Well you know what they say…if you’re going to destroy something you might as well go BIG!

I thought I would start small, so I destroyed my dad. At least that is what he always said. Everything that went wrong in the family was my fault. I was always told, as young as 3 or 4, that I was not wanted or loved so in his eyes blaming me for the failures was a natural jump. So hearing this the entire time one tends to believe that it is true.

I did try to use my “powers” for good, but alas it was not to be. I’ve wrecked friendships, relationships, and families. I blame myself for everything that ever goes wrong in the world. Even if I am no were near the area, even if I don’t even know the person. Somehow, some way it is my fault. Look I even managed to get a church to close. I didn’t do enough to make it work, I didn’t pray hard enough, didn’t read my bible enough. You know the drill. It had absolutely nothing to do with the miss management of the higher ups. No this one was on me.

There are days when all I want to do is just scream and say that I am so sorry that you even know my name. I am sorry that all I seem to be is one big disappointment. Like I said, I did try to use my “powers” good. I got married, had kids, got a job, house, car etc. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Then I cracked. The evil side just kept calling and said you know I can never let you be happy. You know I cannot let your life be so sunny. So I slipped back into the same old troubled child that I was when I was growing up. I started to disrupt my surroundings. The voices in my head were louder then my will to do well.

We went through many different churches. I found something wrong with each one. They were the problem not me. I was trying to find a place that I knew would see me for the person I really was…BAD. Since I messed up the last church I worked for and knew that God was not happy with me I was going to make sure He wouldn’t be happy with anyone. I didn’t want to make friends, because if I did I would just have to destroy them. I didn’t want to go through that. It is much easier if I just stand on my one and not let anyone in. Then the only one that gets hurt is me, the fall out is less messy. People tried to talk to me, people tried to cut through the thick wall of vines that entangled my soul. They told me that God did love me and wanted me to be happy. Voices in my head are louder.

I did except Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I was baptized in the word. I just don’t know if He can expel the ugly, evil voices that my father put in my head so long ago. I am at a church now, and as if on cue the voices have returned and I have lost contact with God. I have decided to just shut the church out. It is safer that way. I can’t be friendly and smile in the shape that I am in right now.

So if you will forgive me for rambling and not making much sense. I must know go and Scream into a crowd…so no one will hear.