Archive for May, 2010


There are so many days that I can’t stand. There are so many days that I wish had never happened. There are just too many days that I dread happening.
I don’t know how to make life better for people. I don’t know how to make things easier for people. I don’t know how to make people like me.
The nights are for crying. The days are for hiding. The moon sees all and the sun sees none.
Nothing makes since if you stop to think about it. What makes since to a 2 year old will not make since to a 20 year old. Am I making since?
Wait was that the door? Wait, I have to take this. Wait, no I guess you couldn’t do that.
So you want to be a rock star? So you want to be a movie star? Do you want to be an only star?
You don’t like being around people? You don’t like talking to people? No, people don’t like you.
I know I am not perfect. I know I am not cute. I know I am not alone in thinking outside the box.
All I want is a chance to shine. All I want is a chance to make it right. All I want is a friend.
Who will be there when you need them? Who will be there when you start to cry? No one is there when you need them.
So how long has it been? So how long are you going to wait? So how long is your list of to “do’s”
Don’t stop me…I’m trying to make some since. Don’t stop me…I’m trying to find my way. Don’t stop me…I’m trying to run.

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Close Your Eyes…Bow Your Head

Now I lay me down to sleep…
Our Father who art in Heaven
I pray the Lord my soul to keep…
Hallowed be thy name
Bless Mommy, bless Daddy, bless Richie
Thy kingdom come…
Bless Byron bless Todd bless Jayson…
Thy will be done…
Bless Bo, Bless Lucky…
On earth…
Bless everyone else…
As it is in heaven…
In the whole wide world…
Give us this day…
And if I should die…
Our daily bread…
Before I awake…
And forgive us our trespassers…
I pray the Lord…
As we as we forgive those…
My soul to take…
Trespass against us…
Thank you for a great day…
And lead us not into temptation…
And for helping me at not be afraid…
But deliver us from evil…
I love you…
For thine is the kingdom and the power and glory…
Forever and ever…
Amen.

I’m Just Waiting on a Friend

In my last post I shared just a small picture of my world, both past and present. I didn’t say all and I won’t at this time either. Things are not as they seem. I know, not making much since right now. Just trying to get my thoughts from my head to my fingers to put them down, some days it is easy…most days they all seem to fight.
I know it would be easier if I could speak them…but don’t you have to have someone to speak too. Yes I do have a therapist, but sometimes when I get to talk to her…the thoughts are not what they were days ago. Writing is much harder then talking. When I speak the thoughts flow easier and more fluid then when I write, I know it should be the other way around but not for me. I have too many thoughts to put on paper and they all want my attention at once when I start writing. They want to be…in print. Speaking does them know good. It just goes out and has nothing to land on. Oh yes there are ears, but how long do the words spoken stay on those ears.
I love to write, not very good at it, but I love to do it. I love to talk too. So when I actually get the chance to talk to someone I tend to “throw-up” in talk to them. That just means I just can’t seem to stop talking. I don’t get to do it very often.
You know what the saddest part of not being able to just sit down and have a conversation with someone…other then my husband…is that when I get into one of these “have to fight my demons” mood…he gets the brunt of it. That’s not fair to him…and I know it…I just have a hard time stopping it.
Writing helps, it eases a place in my mind that my thoughts can go and “relax” so that my mood stays stable. I would be much more relaxed if I could speak…if I could get my thoughts out of my head and not just on paper, but on someone’s ears. I would love for them to land on the ears of someone…whether they stay there or not is not for me to say.
My thoughts may not like it at first…but I do think that if they had more than one option of being able to get out of my head then they would be happier too. So what I guess I am saying is…
I’m just waiting on a friend.

If you haven’t guessed by now…then I will tell you, I suffer from depression. I have for many years. It got worse after I had children. I don’t know why? Part of me thinks it has to do with my upbringing. It was not the happiest place on earth. Plus it runs in my family. I have something I can pass on to my children. Not really what I had in mind…but what are you going to do. I’ve told them, they are prepared and with a little bit of grace…they will be okay.
I haven’t lost hope in my life…though there are days that I am driven to end of the road and just want to sit, scream, cry and hit anything and everything. There were days when I was growing up that I wished for the pain to stop. Wished I could just disappear. Things would be better if I was not here. I had heard that enough. I was to blame for the problems that my family had. I was the one screwing things up. I was told that over and over. And as you know…The bad stuff is easier to believe.
I didn’t share a lot of what was going on in my home with anyone. Not even my friends. They knew some of it, but not really how bad it truly was. I couldn’t open that door, I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. So I handled things my way. I started drinking when I was around 11 or 12. It was easy to get when your dad is an alcoholic. He even would buy it for me, and my brothers. Smoked and did some drugs but mostly alcohol was my drug of choice. It was always within reach.
I felt lost and alone. I did try and get away from it all. I ran away a couple of times, not far and not for long. I had to come back. Why…my brother needed me. He was the reason that I just couldn’t leave. If I left he would be the only person standing between my mom and my dads’ fist. He was younger than me and it was not his responsibility to take care of this…it was mine. So I always came back.
I tried leaving this world too. I had the booze just needed the pills. Didn’t work…glad that it didn’t. Because when I reached high school I had a teacher that reached out his hand and said that I was someone. That I could be someone, I mattered. He was my drama teacher. Mr. Frank Rice. My favorite teacher and person in the whole wide world, he showed me that life is worth living. He listened, he talked to me he gave me something that I hadn’t had in a long time. He gave me…me.
I sometimes forget and slip back into some old habits. I still suffer from depression. I always will, I am on meds and will be for the rest of my life. I have tried getting off them; my mind doesn’t do well without them. I don’t do well without them. It has taken me a long time to just get some kind of peace, don’t have it every day, but I don’t have the chaos everyday either. I just take each day as it comes, heck some days I have to take each minute as it comes, but I do. I am not perfect. I am never going to be perfect but I am me. And I know there is help out there be it a teacher, friends’ parents, your boss all it takes is just asking. If you are the person being asked just listen…it will take time and you don’t have to do it on your own…it took me finding my drama teacher before I could start the healing process.
Just remember that you are more then you realize and you matter to someone out there…you just haven’t met them yet.
If you need help and feel like you are alone please call the Suicide prevention hotline. If you would like more information visit To Write Love on Her Arm. Someone is out there just waiting to help you. Someone is out there waiting for you. Don’t give up without a fight. You are More Important Than You Realize!

Lost in Thought

Oh to be someone who could just sit and get lost in a thought. Not a care in the world. Someone who could just sit and think of all the great, nice, caring and sweet people there are in this world. But we all know that is not me. I don’t seem to attract the great, nice, caring and sweet people of the world; I tend to get there in laws. You know the ones who only come and talk to you because you married their son/daughter.
I guess I should be grateful…and I am, a little, because at least it gives me someone to talk to. I just wish the great, nice, caring and sweet people of the world would let me know what I am doing that wrong. I am not opposed to fixing a problem or making myself a better person. I just know one can’t do that without a little help from…
Right now all I can think of is how much worse I can be to drive more people away. Guess what? I think it is working. I am not an easy person to talk to, I have my built in defensives just like the next person. Mine are just more handy and on call the most peoples. That doesn’t mean they cannot be gotten through…if you are willing to try then so am I. Most people aren’t though. Not worth the trouble, the bother…the time.
That’s okay, really. People are overrated. Who needs friends to walk with, and talk with? Who needs someone who can help you with a problem, lose some weight, and have a shoulder to cry on. I have my dogs, my teddy bear and my husband. If I don’t drive him away too. Just give me time, it’s a gift I have.
Thought finding a new church would help, fresh start, new people. But I just don’t fit in there either. I just have this knack of putting a wedge between me and people. Maybe I should not talk. Maybe that is my problem. But I don’t think that will work, I tend to wear how I feel all over me. Another gift, wish I could trade these gifts in for different ones. I want so much to talk to the women at church; just don’t seem to have enough me, enough strength. I just don’t feel like I am good enough.
Probably not…but that is another story. All I want, and this may sound silly, is someone just to hang out with. Like when I was in high school. I still have my high school friends and we keep in touch, we just don’t live close to each other anymore. I cherish them. I just want someone to write on my FB that they were thinking about me. That they wish me a good day, someone to come over and have dinner with me and my family. Someone who would just like to spend a few minutes of their day talking to me and just getting to know me…warts and all.
I am not too much of a bad person. I want to be a better person. I want to be someone who can just sit and get lost in a thought…a Happy Thought.