Archive for June, 2010

If you think I need help…

You’re right, I do and I have help. I write. I am not the best writer, hopefully not the worst one either, but I do write. I get all my aggravations out in simple yet helpful words. I say things on paper, in blogs that I can’t say to people. That I wouldn’t say to people, they don’t need to hear it things are hard enough on others as it is. I do this to help me release the “demons” that build up inside me, that want to take me down, that want to win the battle. I will not let that happen.
So I would like to say thank you to all who are out there reading my blog and responding to them. I will never lie to you about how I am feeling in my blogs, what I write is how I am on that day or week. I will be upfront about any questions you may have, but I am not going to apologize for how I am feeling.
I am not out to get sympathy, I am not out looking for someone to care about me…what I am out to do is to get the voices in my head to be quiet. To get them to understand that there are good days and there are bad days…they want to focus on the bad ones and keep me there…I want to focus on the good ones and keep moving forward…I don’t win a lot of the times. I am making progress and that is what I wish to do.
My life is not perfect and I have to be okay with that. I mean who has a perfect life? I have to be okay with doing the best I can with what I have. I have to be okay with the fact that God does have a plan for me, we just work on different time frames, and I have to wait for Him to disclose it. I am not a patient person. My faith and trust in God is not as strong as some of the people who read my blog, but it is growing and you have to give me time to let me let God work in me. There are a lot of things that go into the trust and faith with God and the way I go about it…
I am a big fat mess and you know what I am okay with that. I am working things out, I will blog and write about them from now till the day I die. I may sound crazy but it may just be because of the day that I am writing and what has happened on that day. I may sound like I am laughing on days that I write…and I do. I do write fun and happy blogs too…I just have to make sure all the “demons” are out so the happy ones can be seen better.
So, If you think I need help…you’re right and I have it right here and with all of you.
Thank you!


I am so tired of trying to keep it together. I just want to scream…I can’t take being the one who looks like they are in charge. I am tired of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole…you know what…IT DOESN’T WORK!!!!!!!
Just once I would like a day to go by without a hiccup…wait a hiccup would be great I am tired of the big barf that keeps coming back up. I am slowly being eaten up inside. I have no where to put this stuff. I have nowhere to shove the crap. It just keeps coming.
I don’t want to hear it will get better…because it isn’t! I don’t want to hear it’s a test of your faith…guess what…faith is fading FAST!!!!!! I need to see something good and smooth happen right now and last for more than hour, a minute hell more than a second.
I am tired of praying, I am tired of crying, I am tired of just the whole stupid thing. All I want to do right now is

Star light star bright what a way to start the night, I wish I may I wish I might not give up on myself tonight.
Dreams they come and dreams they go but my dear can steal the show. Don’t look down just look up and the stars will certainly fill your cup.
People whisper and people talk, you can’t stop that but you can walk. Just turn around and step away don’t look back just pray.
Bow your head and count to ten and let the stars be your friend. Trust yourself and begin to unpack your love trust in me I will hug you like a glove.
Things seem dark and out of control. I am here and steering your soul.
Love is fickle and totally a pain. Dry your tears I am sending the rain.
Things are not always what they seem. Just look to the stars and the trailing beams.
When things get darker and hard to hold don’t give in don’t let go. Think before you take that step, I do love you…you can make that bet.
Sometime I may feel so far away never near to hear you pray…Just know that life is greater with you here the birds, the flowers all smile with cheer.
If I could change the past and make it smoother, make your father love you more. I know I wouldn’t cause who would you be…someone who may not come looking for me.
I don’t think you’re a dreamer I know that you are…I made you that way to wish on my stars.