Archive for August, 2010

That’s what I miss…

Do you know what I miss? Well the list is not very long and is of the simplest things out there. I miss laughter, smiles, warmth, love, like, happiness and me. Yes I said me, and I mean that. I use to be so out going, so the person who wants to hang out with her friends. The one who everyone called and talked to because they wanted to not because they had too.
Not that I am saying anyone has too. It is just funny how when things go down the drain people run. Happiness fades and smiles seem to disappear. Why? Is it because people think they are contagious? That they somehow may become infected in whatever it is that is bringing you down. It is sad to think that they don’t realize that a smile and some laughter have more weight than a frown or a disapproving look.
I am living in the world with no smiles, no laughter, and no happiness. Love and like are also on their way out too. Why? How the heck wants to stay around with someone who feels like they have no one on their side. Someone who is so lost that not even the loudest scream she can muster can be heard. Someone who has asked for help and has been met with nothing but silence, not from her friends who live so far away and are not able to help, but from the friends she has made close to home. The ones she has asked for help and seem unwilling or afraid to give it. The ones that call themselves Christians, those are the ones that cause me greater hurt and sorrow.
Now I am not the best Christian myself, but I will say that I am there for anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on. Anyone who needs an ear to fill anything and everything. I just find it hard to understand why everyone turns a deaf ear to my cries. I don’t expect it when I am down that someone will be there, but sometimes it would be nice to know that I have someone to just listen to me when I need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to fill.
To my friends who live far away you are my rock, you understand me and for that I am forever grateful. You have been with me through the good times and through the bad. You know me better then I know myself sometimes. You are my true friends. I thank you for that.
To my friends who are close enough to throw a rock and hit my house…all I can say is this…I don’t want you to take my BESTEST FRIENDS place…all I want is a shoulder to cry on, an ear to fill now and then
That’s what I miss…the most.


Just Sad

Too tired to cry,
Too hurt to talk,
Too small to care,
Too broken to walk,

The light has gone out,
The song has been sung,
The wind does not blow,
The darkness has begun,

I am tired of trying,
I am tired of faking
I am tired of listening
I am tired of people taking,

Just let me see
Just let me be bad
Just let me weep
Just let me be sad

Dear Life

Dear Life,
Okay I give up you win!!!! I have given everything I can and all you want is more. Just when I think I have a chance to breath you are like…”I don’t think so!” With an evil laugh and an ugly grin. What more do you want?
You have taken everything away that I can give up and still have a home to live in…you have absconded with every last drop of my blood so that I can barely pay the bills. Can I please have a slight bit of sunshine to cope with the doom and gloom that you keep heaping on me?
Can you tell me what I did to deserve this? Was I not a good enough girl growing up…not a good enough wife, mother, pet owner…Oh I know…not a good enough Christian. Okay tell me this…what is your definition of a good enough Christian? Because I apparently do not know. I do know that “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.” Is that it my lifestyle is too grand? Or is it that you think I don’t talk about my faith enough.
Whatever it is I am done. I don’t care anymore; I don’t want to care anymore. I am so beyond giving a rat’s a__ that I am beginning to wish I was never born. I help people and never expect any help in return. I praise people not asking for any back I love people not asking for any in return. Isn’t that the way that Jesus said it should be.
How desperate do I have to be, to get, before you decide that “Okay we are done with her, she is never coming back from this. Let’s move on.” I would really like to know so that when that time comes I have an oxygen mask because I have forgotten what it feels like to breath.
So, Life, if you do give half a rats a__ then you know that I am defeated. I never wanted the big house on the hill; my little house was just fine. I never wanted the expensive car, my little Honda was great. Never wanted a perfect husband, kids or dogs…the ones I have are the best. So Life you may have beaten me at all the outside things the ones that mean a lot to you or to others and fine you can have them…my house, my car but I will keep my family. They are the reason I haven’t gone insane and the reason you haven’t won.
P.S. Today is the only day that I give up…be ready for a huge fight tomorrow. I will be coming out swinging. Better go and get your armor.

I wish it would snow in July…

If it can rain why can’t it snow?
If it can shine why can’t it be bright?
If it is wise why can’t it be smart?
If it can fade why can’t it be dark?

If you can speak with your mouth,
Can you listen with your feet?
If you can hear with your ear,
Can you speak with your knees?

If I can wish on a star and dream a dream,
Why is it so hard to hear me scream?
If I can sit and be still nary moving a muscle,
Why is it wrong for me to say that I love you?

I wish I could see you in the day.
I wish I could soar and fly
I wish for peace and harmony
I wish it would snow in July…

Sorry bout that…

My head has been pounding for the last couple of days so for me to sit at the computer was next to impossible. I just wish that when my head hurt that would make my brain shut down. You would think it would work that way. Oh if it only did. But alas it is not so.
I don’t think my brain knows the meaning of the word quite. Or quit working. Shut the light off. If it did I wonder if my life would be different. How would I be different? Would people like me better if I could just shut my brain down?
Now I don’t mean literally shutting my brain down…hope you all knew that…I just wish the conversations in my head would stop. If that happened would I have peace or would I go crazy? It’s not that I don’t like having them “talk” it is just that sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have silence, especially when your head is about to explode from a pounding headache.
I know I am not crazy, I know that the voices in my head are just the tapes in my head rewinding and sending out the same old negative crap my father always said to me. It is hard to get that crap out of you head. Little things that go wrong just hit the rewind button and it can go on for days. And when you have a pounding headache and a lot of time on your hands then well you can see it is a recipe for disaster.
Maybe that is my problem, too much time on my hands. I already knew that though. There is not a lot one can do when one’s head wants to explode. So you just sit and listen to what the voices are talking about…sometimes it is fun to hear them talk…they all are not bad. They keep me company when I am alone and sad. When my day has taken its pound of me, it is only when the “bad” ones out shout the “fun” ones that my day, week, month can hit rock bottom.
With all that said, my head hurt a lot this week…I don’t know if it was the weather or just stress…or both…but I do know that the voices don’t rest even when the head hurts. All I can say is…
Sorry bout that!

It has been one of those days. Well it is Monday, and I have a lot of time on my hands. When I have a lot of free time on my hands bad things and bad thoughts can happen. My “voices” have a way of taking over…and the “voices” are not the happy ones…figures the “sad” ones can get a grip with enough down time. My thoughts come in short and jumbled words and phrases. Hard to make sense.
What is the reason for all of this…other then the fact that it is Monday (and who doesn’t like Mondays?) Feeling like I have had nothing to offer anyone in a long time. I don’t feel like I contribute to helping anyone and that, quite frankly, pisses me off. I like to help and feel like I am helping people. It gives me the satisfactions of a job well done. I don’t want any recognition, awards etc. Just the satisfaction of knowing that I helped that is more than enough for me.
Now, with all that said…I sit and pray that God will show me and lead me to the place He wants me to go and help. But as you know my relationship with God is always one that is on the edge. The whole “He does things in His time.” Is a real stressor for me. I have free time now that I would like to fill…I have free time that if it doesn’t get filled then the “bad” things, the trouble begins. The whole “thinking” comes into play.
I know some of you know what I am talking about and some are going…I would love a day to just do nothing but think. Well to those of you who would love a day to think I wish you all the best with that. You are the few that can take your time, your free unlimited time, and be happy with it. I envy you. But for those of us that fear the “down” time, the unlimited amount of time to just do nothing…it is something that I just don’t wish on even my worst enemy. The world is a different place for those who have a lot of free time on their hands.
So as I close this rambling blog today, I would like to say thank you for letting me share some of the many thoughts, words and phrases that enter my mind on a daily basis…some days are better than others…I am just grateful that I can…when I don’t have writers block…and that I have this to use to help me put my thoughts and feeling s out there. So thank you and
Please God Don’t Let Me Get In Trouble Today…

If I Tried

If I tried to be good would you have loved me more?
If I had tried to be smart would you had praised me more?
If I tried to smile more would you have laughed more?
If I tried to be quiet would you have not hit me more?
If I tried to stay away would you have looked for me more?
If I tried to say I’m sorry would you have halted more?
If I tried to say that it was my fault would you be around more?
If I tried to hide the scars would you have hit me more?
If I tried to wipe away the tears would you have yelled more?
If I tried to slip away through the night would you have slept more?
If I tried to win your love would you have hid more?
If you had been a bigger man would you have loved me more?
If you had been a better person would you have held me more?
If you had been there for me would I be more?
If I had been stronger would I be more?
If I had been healthier would I been able to love you more?
If I tried and I did try…You just didn’t listen, love and learn.
I tried and now I am lost…If I tried now…
If I tried….

I love watching cartoons. My favorite cartoon character is Bugs Bunny. I remember waking up on Saturday mornings and watching the Bugs Bunny Road Runner show. That was my escape. That was the one place I could go and laugh.
As I grew up I watched cartoons less and less. It just isn’t cool to say that you, as a teenager, like cartoons. Your friends wouldn’t understand. Music became my escape as a teenager. It became my world. I would sit in my bedroom on Saturday nights and listen to the American top 40 countdown to find out what the number one song was and on Sunday I would bet my bothers what is was. I know I cheated but hey…they never caught on.
My favorite band was Journey, the one with Steve Perry, not the wanna be Perry. I had all their albums. I would play them over and over again. I had all the words memorized. I was going to be a rock star when I got out of school. Music was my escape as a teenager. The escape that I needed when I wasn’t at school, the one that I could shut the door of my bedroom and just sink into the rhythm of the sound the melody of the music. Nothing could touch me.
After high school I found other ways of letting me get lost. I tried everything to capture that feeling of escape. The one I had as a kid the one I had as a teenager. I wanted what the feeling the cartoons gave me…I wanted the feeling the music gave me. I wanted the feeling of just being lost. My reality was wrong. It needed to be fixed. It needed to be lost.
The only way I could think of to do that was to just grow up and be in charge of me. I was going to make my life right. I was going to make my life the way it was when I was lost in the cartoons when I was lost in the music. That was going to be my grown up reality. My child hood reality was less than stellar, I had no control over that…but make no mistakes my grown up one was going to be perfect. I was in charge.
I put away all my child hood dreams and ideas and focused on being a perfect adult. I was not going to let anyone destroy me. I could do that all by myself and I did. See what I didn’t realize was that getting lost in the cartoons and the music was the best thing that I could have done. It was okay for me to act like a child. To listen and get lost in the music that is what it is there for. Cartoons are the same way. They serve a purpose too. Oh not the same one as music does but to a child it is all about the escape.
You don’t have to run away to run away. You don’t have to forget how it feels to get lost in the rhythm of the sound the melody of the music so that nothing can touch you. Can at that moment nothing can. Children need the little things; they need the Bugs Bunnies and the Road Runners to let them take them to another world. They need the Lady Gaga’s the Jonas Brothers to let the rhythm of the sound the melody of the music drown them into nothing but a blur.
Its okay cause once they come out of that other world out of that blur they will once again want to be older then what they are, to be like big brother or sister. We did right…
Funny how we wanted to grow up…

Who is with me?

It has been awhile since I last posted anything on my blog. Not that I haven’t had things to get off my chest, just the words that I needed to write with would not come. As I try now to sit and write I still am having a hard time finding words to convey the message I wish to put on paper.
There are so many things, people, items in my life that I am trying hard to forget and let go of that it seems impossible to do so. I want a fresh look on life a breath of fresh air. I don’t know where to look. There are days that I find I have a better conversation with my dogs then with any people. They don’t judge me, they just love me. But I think it is just me putting so much pressure on others to be more open to me. To like me. It is important for me to be liked.
I have a hard time with that cause on the one hand I want to be liked but on the other there are these steps that one must take in order for me to trust you. Ahhh the old catch 22! I leave myself an out. Why? For me it is much easier to recover from knowing I might be hurt then going in and being blindsided by being hurt. I have trust issues. If you knew my story you would know why…someday I hope to put it out on my blog. Some of it is not enough though.
I know there are people out there who have been down the same road I have, or one very similar to mine. They have made it and come out better. That is what I would like to do. I would like to come out on the other side a better person, a better mom, a better friend and a better wife. I want to show that you are not defined by your past your past is just a part of who you are. I want to show that even if you make a mistake people will not look at you like you are the scum of the earth and that you can get back up and do it again. Every one fails at some point in their lives, some do it more than others but that doesn’t make them bad people that makes them brilliant people. If they take the knowledge that they have gathered and share that wouldn’t it be a wonderful place to call home.
If more people would not look at the ones who lives were lived on the edge of the cliff as less then wanted or needed and looked at them as someone to learn from and to guide and help. Then maybe the ones on the cliff would not jump, would not think that there is no one around that cares. But the ones on the cliff have to be willing to take a few steps back and reach out to the hand that is reaching out to them. Yes it is a gamble, yes you may get hurt again or yes this may be the one person that will take you for who you are and love you no matter what.
I have to do that! You have to do that. My guard cannot stay up another 5, 10, 15 + years until I feel like the people around me will change…I have to be willing to step away from the cliff, willing to get hurt again and willing to find a friend.
Who is with me?