Archive for September, 2010


Dear God,

Dear God,
I am tired. I am tired of just about everything. I am tired of not being connected at church. I am tired of sitting at my house alone. No phone calls, no nothing. Don’t get me wrong, my dogs are great and I would have gone totally mental if it were not for them. I would have also gone mental if my husband and children were not here. But they cannot be my main source of talk.
You, you say that we should fellowship that we should gather and be together. I don’t know what I have to do to get people to talk to me. I like to think I am a likeable person I don’t know, no one will talk to me. I know they like my daughter and my son. They ask about them, they ask if my hubby is okay, heck they even call him if he misses church.
I guess I am just being selfish. I want a friend at church. Someone who will be there for me as I would be there for them, to just listen and let me talk as I would let them talk. To unload some stress, to get new ideas about how to solve a problem someone to help me pray and release some of my troubles to you. It would not have to be an everyday type of thing. We could meet once a week, heck I would be happy for once a month. You saw how happy I was to work for 45 minutes helping out at my daughter’s school this month. How sad is that? I had never felt as energized as I did that day, not in a long time. Why? I was around people, grownups who talked to me. Laughed with me, told me stories and let me help them.
If I am asking too much, please let me know. If it is not meant to be that I have a friend at church who would like to hang with me and we could just talk, then let me know. I don’t wish to waste anyone’s time. I don’t come early to church and I don’t stay late because I don’t feel like I fit in. I do not feel like I should be there. If that is me then please let me know. I will be more than happy to do what you want me to do to get through this.
I am so tired of being alone. So very tired of not having anyone to share with or to have anyone to pray with. I am not strong in my faith to go it alone, neither is my hubby. So I am going out on a limb just writing you this note. I am going to try and put this in your hands and let you do what you think is best, all I want you to know is that my spiritual life and total well being is slowly slipping away from me. I need to have someone who lives close to me be my friend.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I didn’t mean to bother you with this, I should know how to handle stuff like this already, but it just still hurts the wounds are still open. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you, Amen
Carol

Waking to the sound of Rain

Wake up and look around
Do you hear that soft landing sound?
One drop, two drops
Then there’s a third
It’s the way it falls
And kisses the mama bird
It’s cool and big the drops at hand
The way it plays as if in a band
Why is it so lovely too see
This falling water in front of me
The air grass is greener
The air is cleaner
How can you not sit and stare
Just listen to the sound outside your door
The one that you will want more
There is no greater miracle then this
Not now, not then just feel the mist
It is clear and wet
The bed is set
Look up and see what you can gain
Wake up to the sound of Rain.

Living on the Outside

There are people out there who live their lives alone, but not alone. They live with a group of other people who see, hear, taste and smell the world as they do. The world where they do not fit in, some are more extreme than others. There are the ones who stand on the corner saying the world is coming to an end…which is good information to have. There are the ones that leave the shelter every morning to take their kids to school and then go to work. There are those that live in a neighborhood that is all but normal and they are not. But the one thing all of these people have in common is that they could be us. They are many of us. Ones who don’t feel like they belong are always making people cross the street so they don’t catch what they might be caring.
They look through glass windows at the wonder of the other side. Not that they are not happy with themselves, cause many are, they just see the delight that all of us seem to miss. The shine of a new key, the smell of bread baking, the warmth of a brand new blanket, they are happy for what they do have. It may not be much but it is all theirs. They are fine with that. They take the simplest of pleasures and make us wish we could feel like that again.
The life they lead is not easy, though some of us would like to think of them as lazy, crazy and just waiting for a hand out. But they do not see their life as being hard. They approach life differently than we do…we see each day as a struggle one we have to work through and we don’t like it. They see each day as a blessing one they feel grateful for because they are alive again to live it. They know the struggle is there but it is that very struggle that make them work harder, dream bigger and love deeper than the rest of us do.
We don’t see them, we look right through them. Why? Because they don’t act like us, dress like us, worship like us, pray like us or even eat like us. They don’t even spend money like us. They buy things they need, they will use in a day. They don’t buy disposal items, too many things in their life is already disposal able. So when they walk near us, talk to us we just turn away. You do it…I do it…we all do it. We don’t want to be reminded that it could be us that are trying to make sure that the roof over my head, the food in my cart, the shoes I have on will last one more day.
They are not all homeless, they are not all “crazy” they are not all clean, they are not all talkative. Some drink too much, some drink too little. Some don’t bathe for days, some are dreamers, and some are moms, dads, granddads and grandmas. Some have kids, some have pets. Most are alone. Most are lonely. But, they all live with us. They all live around us; they just want to be with us.
I don’t want to look through someone anymore. I don’t want to be the person who just walks by and doesn’t at least acknowledge that this is a person. I have lived in that place, I live in that place. I should know better than that and you know what…the sun came up and the day was bright and I saw a person I didn’t want to be and I saw a person I did wish to become. I want to be that person who is standing at the glass window and marveling the beauty of anything and everything. I want to just like the person who is…
Living on the Outside

Cobwebs

To many times people get their thoughts all caught up in their mind and are unable to share them. They have really great ideas and some things that might even save man kind or the world. They just can’t get what is in their head out either on paper or just to speak it. Why?
Fear, which is the biggest problem. They feel like what they have to offer is not as good as the next person, they have been told that so many times before. They fear the voice of rejection; they hear the laughing in their heads at what a ridiculous idea that is. Who on earth would think of something as silly as that. Worse yet they are known as the one who is Mr. or Mrs. Negativity. The one who brings reality back into the picture, the one who says “Yes that is a good idea, but did you take into account…A, B, or C.”
Damn those small details. So they sit on their ideas. Time keeps marching on around them, people come and people go into and out of their life. They don’t speak much anymore, why? What could possibly be the point of having a conversation with anyone? Who would want to listen to anything they had to say anyway, right. And when you do start to talk to someone, someone else enters the picture and the talk turns to them and they walk away. Leaving you there to just wonder what the heck just happened here?
Great ideas, fun chats, making friends become less important as the ability to do it starts to slip away. Why keep something around if you aren’t going to use it? Sell it on eBay!!! The connections that were once so strong and so full of life and blood are now just pieces of scrap sitting on the floor. The more you look at them the more you feel like a failure. What happen to the time when people wanted to talk to you? They never seem to get past that. They sit and ponder and, if the still believe, pray that one day they will be worthy of having a conversation with once again. That their ideas are not silly and that they do know what they are talking about.
But for now the dark cloud of once what was and maybe could have been has been painted over with…
Cobwebs.

A 3 year olds world…

Have you ever thought about it? I mean what a beautiful way to look at the world. Okay let’s do an experiment…pretend for just a few minutes that the only thing you have to worry about is if you are going to get to go to the playground, get to have chicken nuggets or pizza for dinner, or both. That you don’t want to take a nap because Sponge Bob is on and it is realllllllly your favorite one…promise.
The biggest thing in the whole world to you would be, besides your mom and dad, the potty and you just aren’t sure you are ready for that thing to get a look at your bottom. The hardest thing in your world is not being able to drink out of the dog’s water bowl because mommy says it is gross. That is just not fair. So of course what you would do…well of course when she isn’t looking you would try it anyway and find out it could taste better but it’s not that bad.
Eating with your fingers is such a cool thing…then all of a sudden the “parents” introduce these things they want you to use and by the way what happened to my binky? Where is my Sippy cup? You know the super hero one that I walk around with the one that goes with my blankey… Bedtime is not your fave either, but you do look forward to the bedtime story that mommy and daddy try to act out. They always make you laugh. The big good night hugs and kisses and you get to keep your Spider man night light on. “Just one more kiss mommy!” Is the cry that comes as you lay down and try not to go to sleep.
That would be such a nice world to be at today…the troubles one can have navigating the life of a 3 year old. I think that is the way that life should be all the time. If you take it one day at a time, choose which battles to fight and know which one to let go, enjoy the little things like that special cup or drink. Then of course be able to take a nap I think the whole world would be in a better place. The only thing you would have to worry about is if you are next on the swing and is your teacher, mommy or daddy going to push you on it.
I don’t know about you, but I think I would reallllllly like to, even for just one day, go back and live in
A 3 year olds world.

Why do they do that?

One thing I  have noticed over my many years of listening and watching people is that they like to bend to the way the flow seems to go. Now I will say that when I was a teen ager I use to do the same. I just don’t get what they get out of doing it now.
It makes me sad to see people letting other people think for them. Letting other people speak for them, what is next…letting them eat for them too? It has gotten so out of control. People are getting mad at other people and they couldn’t even begin to tell you why? They just know that this is what they are supposed to do. It has to be like this because the group wants it like this. We can’t go against the group or how will we know what to do.
Do you know what all this does…it just makes a lot of people more stressed then they should and they quiet honestly don’t know why they are so stressed? But the sad part is that the people they are not suppose to like…are suppose to be angry with…are left in the dark, with questions no one will answer. Questions like…what did I do? How did I make you so mad, I don’t even know you? The spewing of ugliness today has gotten way to out of hand. People who should be “preaching” peace and tolerance are the ones who are the loudest at being the ugliest.
This is not just about free speech, religion, or press it is about the soul. The living, breathing, crying, helpless souls that are out there just praying that someone will step forward and say “Enough is enough; we have got to stop this!” “This cannot keep going on, we are so much better than this.”
What do you think Jesus would think of this? Is He wiping tears from His eyes and hoping that His heart does not break any further. This is not what He taught us to do. He wanted us to love our neighbor as we love Him and ourselves. I don’t see it. I don’t see anyone reaching out to anyone with a smile on their face and grace in their heart. I do see a lot of hate, a lot of being ugly going on. Being mad is one thing…I get that…but do you know what you are mad at? Or are you just going to go along with the group that is spewing all the ugly out there?
I don’t understand it all, and I don’t have all the answers. I do have a lot of questions and I think that would be a great place to start…here is my opening one…
Why do they do that?

No Shades of…

A long and fall like week end
Cool breezes blowing through
Sun shining, birds singing
Just staring at the blue

Skies are clear
Grass is mowed
Dinner is on the grill
Thoughts are being sowed

A daughter with her daddy
A son with his mom
Laughing, talking singing
Nothing is wrong

Life makes you smile
Family full of love
I see all of this now
With no shades of…