Archive for November, 2010

Broken Heart

Why do they do this
This thing they think is fun
The one thing that is truly
Not able to be undone

How can this be
The screaming is so loud
The blood curdling scream
Stop this from happening…please

What is this strange ache I feel
The deep down inside of me
The ache that is oh so real
It is the ache of a breaking heart.


People pretty much don’t surprise me anymore, most of the time they don’t seem to surprise themselves. I look around and see that most people are walking in a state of fog. They are too, busy isn’t the word, but busy is the word I will use. Why? Because people are too busy to see anyone else or anything else around them.
They have to be. Times are hard and no one is caring for the next person out there. They are and have to look out for themselves and their family. People have turned into the walking dead. They are dead inside. Feeling has left their body, had to in order to survive. Caring and sharing with people just cause more pain. No one sticks around anymore.
It is hard to imagine living in a world where no one cares. Hard to imagine living in a world where it takes all you have just to smile when your little one comes in for what is suppose to be breakfast. You try and try to lift yourself up, but when there is no one there to even share a hello with some days it seems like a dead end.
As I write this I am struck by how dark it seems and how hopeless it is. It is dark out there in the world and at some point hopeless too. But I have to believe that there is someone out there who is willing to help me make another person smile. MY life may totally suck, but that is no reason for me to stop being someone who cares. Stop being someone willing to put their hand out to someone who is reaching out for me.
I don’t claim to have the answers to their questions, but I am willing to listen to what they want to say. I am willing to show them something that maybe they haven’t seen in a while. A friend, that is what most of us want in this time of uncertainty. Someone who will stand with us, beside us and be there for us. That is the big thing that is missing today. In this time and in this place. Everyone is reading the same sign and walking away. I am willing to take that sign down and stay.
So please allow me to introduce myself and say sit down and stay awhile, if you have any questions or want to talk I am here.
Throw the sign away and smile at the next person that walks, looks or peeks your way see what happens. Don’t let darkness cloud your eyes, let the sun light your way. Get close to someone today let that be your sign…
If you can read this…you aren’t close enough!

I have been away for a while. Battling some demons and myself, while still trying to let God lead me down the path He wants me to be on. Well the demons are still here and the path is no clearer now then it was a day, a week or a month ago. My faith is hitting the low numbers.

I haven’t given up on God, I know He works things out in His time, but see the whole problem with that is the people who want their money now could care less if God has a plan for you. Because they have one too…they will shut off your gas, foreclose on your house, or take your car if they don’t get paid. To hell with the plan God has for you cause theirs trumps Gods…in the short term. But isn’t that how we all are living right now? In the short term?

Having faith, to me is such a strange and distant thing. I have always heard that God has a plan for you, me or anyone out there who believes in Him. I have always believed in Him, but I have also questioned Him. I questioned why God would put a child into a family where He knew she was not wanted, why He thought that lesson was important for her to learn. You hear that God is a good God; He is your heavenly father. I could not relate to that. My father was a mean son of a bitch and hated me more than anything in the world. I was the reason he was unhappy. So you can see why my believing God has a plan for me cause me to pause.

Now that I am an adult my understanding of God is different, as it should be, but my faith in how He does things still elude me. If I ask for prayer because we, my family, are struggling right now all I get met with is…”Well so and so their mom just passed. We need to pray for them.” Or “The Jones are adopting a child, we need to pray for them.” And so forth…Now don’t get me wrong I am not at all saying that my problems are more important than the next fellow, in fact I wouldn’t even say anything if I wasn’t already so far out of my mind that I just need someone else to try their hand at reaching the man upstairs. I am just wondering who put the priority on what is more important to God for God. Why is it more important to pray for one thing then it is for the other thing? I don’t recall anywhere in the Bible Jesus saying…”You can pray to my father, but I need to know what you are praying for so I can assign you a number.”

It just seems like such a bunch of crap for lack of a better word. This whole ordeal has taken its toll on me and my family. There are days that I just look out my window and think…what it would be like to just vanish. But I don’t I do other crazy things instead. This is all to relieve my pain and ease my troubles. Now, for all my friends from high school, I know I can call you and I know you will listen, but this is a battle far beyond just listening. The stakes are high and the price to be paid is even greater. I do feel alone, but I do know that you all care and I am forever grateful to you for that. Just know that I am tired, not stupid. I feel your friendship every time I shed a tear, or scream at the top of my lungs. I know you are there. To my husband, this has not a reflection on you…this is me not seeing me in the correct way. My faults not yours.

So back to battling the demons and myself…it has been a long month. It has been a freaking long year. Things are tight and the demons, right now, have the upper hand. But all they have right now is a few victories; the war is still going on. Though I may fight and struggle with God on a daily basis. Question everything He does, yell at Him when His time and my time do not meet. I don’t think He would want it any other way. He knows me and knows my thinking. He knows that I will be the one to stand up and say, “Wait, why can’t I do it myself?” Or “What the heck is taking so long on the prayer request?” I have learned that God is big enough for me to get mad at, and that He still loves me anyway.

So, I will end with what I started with, but I just want you to know that I do have faith, it grows more each day. I do pray and I do believe…but there are days that I…
Pray to a God that I don’t believe in.