Archive for September, 2013


Wednesday

wednesday

This is a day that I love. I always have, it doesn’t do much it is just half way through the week. Yet it speaks volumes to me. It never gets down because it’s not the first day, it doesn’t get uppity because it is before the last day. No it just…is.
It likes being in the middle, it sees things coming and it sees them going. It helps pull them to the destination they are headed to. It lets them know that no matter how bad it has been up to that point…it is here and will make the rest of the way as easy as possible.
I do so like this day; some call it “Hump Day” and it so is. It never looks at anything as half done or half over. It looks at it like it always has, embracing whatever you need to be embraced. It never asks for anything, it will sit and wait patiently and with great intro-spec. This is a day that ask you to be excited cause you made it this far.
There is not another day that is like this day. Yes a lot of people like Friday, not many like Monday. But I bet you can count on your hands how many enjoy this day. Just saying the word brings smiles to people’s face, why? Because they know that whatever the week started out to be, good, bad, ugly, exciting, boring or whatever…it is this day. The one that will carry you through till you make it home to the rest of the week.
That is why I like…
Wednesday.

Dear Dad,

Dear-DadI thought of you today and wondered if you knew how much you “screwed” up my life? No of course you did not…why would you…if it did not effect you on a personal level then you just did not care.
Well just so you know it did affect me and quite possible all of your kids, but I will just speak for me. I hate you with all that can be hated. When you died I didn’t want you to go to HELL…I wanted you to go beyond HELL…to a depth that only one that has brought total unrest and unhealthy life to be resigned too…if there is a depth below HELL then that is where you belong.
The turmoil that I am going through right now I will admit I do not souly  blame on you…but the roots are there and they are firm. You have made such a horrific impact on your families lives that I am amazed that there is anyone who can say they knew you. You always said that I blamed you for being GAY…NOT NOT NOT true…I embrace the LGBT community and fight for their rights to be a family…maybe that would have made you a better person…but we will never know….so that is you cross to bare, not mine.
I do know that I wish that I was never born to you or MOM. That I would have been put up for adoption of just KILLED in the womb…then maybe I would not be so screwed up today. Maybe I would be able to see the good in people…or at least been born to someone who would have raised me in a home that wanted me…I don’t know if that would have happened, but then again then you don’t know that either.
I don’t blame mom as much as I blame you, one because she was so naïve that it was impossible to see a sick sociopath that was right in front of her…YOU!!! But I can hold her in to not leaving you when she did find out who you were…and was all along…just like you should have left her, not kept up that stupid little show…inviting other men over having them spend the night while mom slept in my room.
Then you wondered why your sons thought it was okay to rape me and take me to their bed and have sex with me. What a screwed up family we were. What a screwed up family YOU built…YOU BUILT…YOU not any one else… you said over and over again that you wanted nothing but sons and that I was a mistake so you always looked the other way and had mom look the other way when your SONS did what they did. I always wished you would die and just drift away somewhere that no one would miss you.
Do you know how much I hate myself…do you know how much I stab myself in the back to make me not even know that there are people around me that care…and when I do find out that they care…I have to run as fast as I can from them so that they are not pulled into your sick way of doing things…I have never hated someone as much as I have hated you since the day that God gave me the ability to hate someone…
Every time I try to bring myself out of the hole that you…YES you have dug me into…the more dirt falls upon me…so now I say to you…if you want me to go to HELL so that YOU can go to HEAVEN then so be it….I would rather live somewhere I am use to then to be anywhere you are.
Thanks for NOTHING…

Torn

torn

So today is the day that has come and gone

Today is the day that will never re-appear

So why am I so sad to see it go

Why is there no chance for a way to let it be

Pieces of my soul have traveled very far

Words I have never spoken have been lifted in the air

Thoughts that have never been voiced have floated far away

Why is there no chance to let it be

Lost and alone with no place to go

Lost and alone with no place to pray

Why does this life work to treat me so bad

Why is there no chance to be

Sometimes there are things that seem to be odd

Little things that make life very hard

Today is that kind of day that doesn’t make sense

Why is there no chance to be.

TOXIC

skullSo it has been brought to my attention that I am a toxic person. So guard your friends and family as I may take them under my wing and corrupt them. Cause we all know that is what I am after…No really it is!
I know that I am toxic and I have been since the day I was born, I just wish that the kids that I had would have been graced with a mom that was better than me . One that was complete and whole, one that was not struggling with who she was and the voices that haunt her every day. One that knew what love was and how to give it freely.
Sometimes I wish I had never been born. I wish all the times that I tried to kill myself had worked. Then I they would not have a mom that was less than what they needed. This might sound harsh but it is true. The things you can learn when you realize how toxic you are. I know that my kids and my husband deserve better than what they have settled for, me, and I wish they had found that. I am such a mess and all I end up doing is bringing people down, especially the ones that are closes to me. The ones I care about the most.
Toxic that is what it is called and that is what I am. How do you go from being so ugly to be around to someone that has something to offer? All I ever wanted was to be someone my children could look up to. Someone like my husband and his family, I know they weren’t perfect but they had something that my family didn’t have…LOVE and RESPECT.
Today is not the day to try and figure out what comes next, cause I am in no frame of mind to determine that, I am in no frame of mind to do anything but sob. I miss having my bestest friends in the whole wide world, other than my hubby, to talk to. I miss them so much. I do not have them here. And I can’t burden him anymore than he already is. All I want is to feel something other than nothing. Something that can make me stand up and say “Hey, you can do this. You are better than this and your children and husband love you.” But it just seems like a fight that I am destined to lose. Why? Because I am…
TOXIC!

And as the seas…

And as the seasons come and go, here’s something you might like to know. There are fairies everywhere: under bushes, in the air, playing games just like you play, singing through their busy day. So listen, touch, and look around – in the air and on the ground. And if you watch all nature’s things, you might just see a fairy’s wing. ~Author Unknown