Archive for April, 2016


Walking in Circles

circlesOkay so if you just started following this blog then you will notice that when I first started out I was rambling like no one has ever rambled.  But you know why? I needed to, the voices in my head were all over the place and trying to make since of them was putting me all over the place. Writing down what was going on in my head, with the voices, made me able to sort out and see what was going on.

Now, just so you know, I am still sorting out the voices in my head, they are just not arguing as much and as loud as they use to. They have even begun to help me in my day to day life. I now feel lost if I can’t hear them, but not scared if I do. It has been a long time for me to reach this place. I haven’t camped out here, but I have made peace here. Too many people are scared to make peace with the voices, the depression, the anxiety anything that makes them feel different from the rest of the world.

I understand that, but what if it was the rest of the world that was different and we were the normal ones? That is the way I look at life right in this moment. That is the way I deal with the distractions that are around me and in me on a daily basis. Do I make it every day? No, but there are now more good days then bad. The steps will be hard and different from mine, but I have so much faith in you that I know you can do it. Not because I did but because when you are ready it will be so freeing that you may wonder why, how and whatever?

You will have set backs, I did. Sometimes I made it through just fine, but there were other times that I just shut down. I didn’t want to play this game anymore. I kept saying and thinking to myself, “I have come too far for this to be happening again.” But then I started looking at it like a small gift, a gift to show how far I have come. A gift to say that yes I was like this, sometimes even worse, but now I have grown and am so much better.  I try really hard not to fight the setbacks, not because I don’t want to, but because I know that once I am through them, it may take a hour, a day or a week, I can say that I survived and you didn’t beat me.

The voices have helped me learn to cope, they let me talk to them, they let me scream at them, and they let me lean on them. They now help me be the stronger person I am, they help me see how far I have come. They won’t let me beat myself up for days on end. They will let me cry and scream, so I can get it out. But the one big thing that they won’t let me do, and I am so grateful too, is let me continue to keep…Walking in Circles.

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Let’s Go Crazy!

It truly will be okay. For people who suffer with depression and anxiety, that is a phrase that conjures up a negative feeling. I know I use to feel with too. There are so many phrases that make someone who is suffering with any mental disorder feel like what they are going through is not real. That…it’s all in their head. I know it’s not and you know it’s crazy1not, but it just seems that the world thinks it is.

When someone does something wrong and they quickly state that they where insane at the time, that is a hurdle that the ones who are facing that have to overcome. That makes our progress harder for us to show you that what is going on in our mind is real and is scary. Not just a headline for the news.

There are good days and there are bad days, you just hope the good ones outweigh the bad. That when you get up in the morning and your feet hit the floor your mind doesn’t start with the negative thoughts. That the voices in your head will either be silent or at least encouraging, because if they aren’t you are in for one long and challenging day. If you are lucky enough to have positive thoughts and are able to move through the whole day like that you feel slightly uneasy, slightly nervous. Just waiting for what will happen next.

Not that others don’t do that, but for someone who is battling their own demons, they do it against odds that most won’t and wouldn’t want to understand. They fight not only the way the world looks at them and the way they look at the world, but also the way their thoughts, voices, scars…want them to see the world. They have to be on alert for the most smallest of things, from a word to a jester. They, we, see things differently…we hear things differently…we interpret things differently…we have to process things differently. A simple “Hi, how are you?” sets up a sinking feeling in our gut. How do we answer…we can’t tell them how we truly are, the story is way too long and we don’t want to lose that friendship…if we say we are fine…then we are lying to ourselves, but that is the best of the two evils.

So as we walk through this thing called life…let’s remind people that we are here and we are strong enough for them, can they be strong enough for us. Can they let us be who we are and let us be down, sad, angry, crying, frustrated…can they just let us be us. So if we do feel like going crazy we can because it is okay.

So today I am asking that anyone who reads this will find it okay to let yourself go an
d come with me as we travel this journey…LET’S GO CRAZY!

Really I Am

 

 

blurI don’t know where to start this…it has been 2 years since I last wrote something on this. A lot of things have changed and a lot has stayed the same. I have grown in many ways, learning day by day to love myself. Learning to be okay with who I am, but I still struggle with both of those.  I still battle with the voices in my head, they are a constant. I don’t mind them as much as I use to, they are comforting for the most part.

I am, however struggling with a new issue, Anxiety!  That should really be a four letter word.  I get really sick to my stomach going out in public. If I have a destination that I am going to I can manage that, even for the most part have fun. But I got a job, which I now have to quit (due to other circumstances) and I have had a huge burden lifted off of my chest. But then I have anxiety about not bringing in money to help with the bills. To help my husband who struggles every day with pain of RA. He’s a very strong man. I don’t want to disappoint him and let him down, I want to make things easier for him…so then I feel like I have failed at helping him.

So, the more things change the more they stay the same. Just when I think I have made some small steps forward I am reminded of the struggles that I have to overcome. I don’t mind fighting the good fight and going toe to toe with my demons, cause I know that I can do it…on most days. Like I said, a lot of things have changed and a lot has stayed the same. So if I start to ramble, like I seem to be doing, then you know that I am in a good place…really I am…if I have a one themed post then things are dark…that is when I am battling my demons, and they are probably winning.

So, with all that being said, I want to say thank you to all the people who read my ugly junk and some funny shit too! I can be funny when I try. I want you to know that I am truly thankful that you are here. You make what I fight for, go through and live with so much easier and I love you for that.

 

P.S. Have a wonderful day and I promise to do better about posting here. You all make my life worth doing.