Archive for May, 2016


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So how many feel like this? You feel like you are finally making progress in your condition only to be thrown a monkey wrench. A monkey wrench that seems to take all the wind from your sails. You look in the mirror and ask yourself…”Why do I even bother trying?”  Why? I’ll tell you why…because you are going to fail from time to time…not what you were expecting right?
But it’s true, you will have some fabulous fails…but you will have more fabulous achievements. It may not seem like it when you are in one of those fabulous fails but they are so worth it. They will grow you more than some of your fabulous achievements. Why? You ask again…because if you are like me when you are in you fabulous achievements high you think nothing will ever bring you down. How on earth could you ever have depression, anxiety etc. You are working it. You start letting little things slide and for a time it’s okay cause you feel so good. You are on your highest level of getting shit done. Nothing is going to stop you…you don’t even have time to stop and care for yourself.
That’s when it happens…you have your fabulous fail. You start talking shit about yourself, like how much you screw things up…how stupid you are…the list is endless. You just don’t see how you could ever be happy again.
But you know what…(and this has taken a long long time for me to learn, and it’s not something you can force on someone either. They have to learn it for themselves.) You can be happy. When you learn how to manage your fabulous achievements and keep them in check…I know weird right? But when you suffer from a mental condition that is something you have to learn to do.
When you have the fabulous achievements “mastered” the fabulous fails won’t look and feel so bad. Know that I’m not saying this will be an easy walk…cause I still struggle with this and it’s something I probably will for the rest of my life. But I can’t and won’t let it consume me and neither should you!
If you take your victories and hold on to them share them dream of

them speak them then when the fails happen…you may have taken two steps back…but you know you’ve already taken one step forward.
And that’s a Win!

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Undone

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Everyone deals with anxiety, depression or whatever the illness is that we try and hide, differently. You have to find the one thing that makes you feel like you. The real you, not the fake one you feel like you have to show people…the one that makes you run through the flowers…jump on a trampoline…the you that not only sings in the shower, but sings in the line at the store.
No apologies! None, you are meant to be you. You the awesome mom or dad. You the fabulous dresser. You the one that sings the true song in your heart. The only thing that matters is that you be free.
Break those chains that are keeping you afraid. I will give you something from me…I get my butt up every morning at 6:20 and walk with my dogs 2-3 miles. Yes there are days that I do miss and I see what it does to me…but if I miss a day I get back out there the next day walking and singing to my songs on my iPod…while my dogs look at me with love. I do it for me…I see the person I want to be when I’m done…I like that person.
When you feel your world start to fall apart or the walls close in…please don’t shut yourself out. I know it is easy to do, but this is the time that you are free to become what you can become…and that my friend is…UNDONE!

That feeling you get when you have that one special moment when you are absolutely fine…you are in a good place. You made it through the day and the day was good. You smile at your reflection in the mirror, you think to yourself…I am a strong person.
That feeling you get when the good out weighs the bad. When the highs are longer than the lows. You have more rights than wrongs.
That feeling that comes over you when your mind has not deceived you…lead you down that dark path. When the voices are all positive…the sadness is at bay. Anxiety is no where to be found…on this day.
That feeling that lets you know that you are more than this condition you have…this illness has not won. That depression, anxiety, bipolar and all the rest is something that…at some level…can be the thing you control, handle…take charge of.
Because that feeling you get when you take control…this is Amazing Grace.

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You Got To Have Friends

You know what is one of the meanest things that anxiety, depression and any other mental health condition can steal from you? Your social life, your independence…your friends. Yes your friends, most of the time it is sneaky and slow. Then there are the quick and painful…like ripping off a band aid….you pull back, you try to explain but you feel like you are speaking a whole other language.
That’s when you just start pulling away more. It’s just not worth the effort to try and explain. You see less and less of friends…neck of just people in general. You may even stop going outside, all you can think is it’s not worth it.
But please listen to me, I know what it’s like to just want to give up. To just tell yourself that no one will ever understand so why? Why bother? But let me just put this out there…don’t stop putting yourself out there. Don’t let “them” win…this is your race, your life your CHOICE! Now before you start freaking out, just listen, I’m going to give you just a smackeral of advice…you are under no obligation to explain anything to anyone…if you don’t want to.
Depression, anxiety and any other mental health conditions…they do not have to describe you, become your identity. You have a mental health condition you are NOT A MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION! You can explain or not. If they understand great…if they don’t…it’s not your fault.
But please remember that YOU GOT TO HAVE FRIENDS!

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It Been A Long Week

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Have you ever had one of those days that turned into one of those weeks? One that just sends you into such a dizzying effect on each and everything you do or say. One that keeps you in a state that even has you a little worried. One that you would be happy with with just a handful of quite moments.
The week of trials and tribulations is one that can send you into either pure despair or total enjoyment…or if you’re “lucky” both in the same day, check maybe in the same hour or minute. When these days, weeks or months come…and they do…your mood, your mind even your body are not your friends. They do every thing they can to hurt you to discourage you to make you feel unworthy.
Those are the times when you wish your mind was normal, that this “thing” that lives there would find another hotel to go to. You would never wish this on anyone, but you also wish it wasn’t on you. The ups and downs of this week is exhausting, yet sleep is not your friend either. You count down the time in the day or week that your nightmare is over
You just have to remember that it will be over. That you will get back to your normal. Rimind yourself that you are more than this hour, day, week or month. You don’t have to apologize for who you are, because you are you…the most wonderful you there ever was.
So don’t loose yourself in this trial and tribulations because…It’s Been A Long Week.

controlDo you know how hurtful it is to be told that you don’t know how to be angry? Well let me tell you that it doesn’t go well when you have depression or anxiety to be told that you don’t know how to be angry…especially when angry is all you feel sometimes. Plus you can only be angry in the way you have been for years and years.

When you try to be angry in the normal way, the correct way, all that does is make you more and more angrier. So that is when you sit and say to yourself, “What am I doing wrong?” that is when the voices in your head and the anxiety start to bubble to the surface. Then you are faced with so many other “troubles” that angry is just the smallest one in the bag.

The voices get to loud the anxiety takes control and then you feel like everything you touch is worthless, that you are worthless. It can happen with the simplest things, things that another person can just let go…but not you, you have to figure it out and that makes you mad. You have to scream, yell, punch or do whatever it takes to make the pain or anger you feel go away. To make the anxiety stop! To figure out why you are a worthless piece of…

Nothing is as hard to explain, overcome or deal with then the fact that you don’t know how to be angry. You don’t know how to control this uncontrollable hurt, anxiety…ANGER that is inside you. The thing that makes you feel so small that all you can do is get…

ANGRY!

 

Broken

Broken happens. It happens to everything and everyone. Broken doesn’t mean you are damaged…it means you’ve been to the dark side and are now processing your visit. Broken can be a comfort right outside your door. If you are falling apart and barely  breathing. Broken can come in many ways, in many costumes.
Broken should not be a sign of defeat…but a sign of courage. Broken can only beat you if you let it. Broken clocks are a comfort when you sleep at night. If you have a broken heart, but listen it’s still beating…the pain is real but the hope will find meaning.
Broken only stays if you let it, broken only holds when you feel it. Broken calls your name, but never holds your hand. Broken takes you away from you…
Broken…but not damaged…broken but still in love with…

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