I know its been a while since I blogged, but my mind wouldn’t let me focus. However in the last few days the fog that was around me has begun to lift and I am able to focus better now.
With that being said, I am going to make this a little more personal blog than those in the past. There are a few things that have made me have an ahha moment. The biggest one happened on my 4 mile walk this morning, while listening to some music. So I hope what I write about today, in some way, can help someone else. So thank you in advance for letting me share a little bit about me and my silly life.
So here goes…like I said earlier, I was on my walk this morning, listening to music. I love music it just has a way to make you see things clearer.
Well this song came one, one by P!NK And there was a line in this song that just hit me. Now mind you I have heard this song a lot, P!NK is one of my favorite performers. So anyway, her song Who Knew came on and the line was, “If someone said three years from now you’d be long gone.” hit me like someone had just punched me in the gut. Do you ever get that feeling? Whether from a song, book, tv or movie. One that just puts things in a little better focus. That’s what that one line did for me this morning. Let me explain…
If you have read any of my earlier blogs then you know that most of my depression and anxiety come from my father. While the rest comes from me trying to conform to the environment I live in and also trying to come to terms with…how I’m not close to hardly Anyone and why God and church bother me so much. This one line in this song that I have heard so many times hit me so hard that I made a connection. My dad didn’t like me, didn’t want me and let me know that on a daily basis. I wished everyday that I was growing up to just disappear, go somewhere else or just die. It really didn’t matter to me. Just somewhere I would be wanted. Well God wasn’t answering any prayers so I was stuck.
So, hang with me I about to make my point, when I became an adult, got married had kids, we decided that we would give church a chance. I had never been a church goer and this whole God thing was a put off to me. He was supposed to be your “Father”. Well I knew about fathers. But in time I did get closer to letting Him get close to me. I did this with the patients of a couple of pastors I worked with. They let me go at my own pace and guided me when necessary. I worked there for six and a half years and by the end of that time the pastors I worked with, that I trusted just turned their back on me.
So there I was being rejected once again and this time I had let it happen. (Which is one reason we haven’t attend church on a regular basis since.) I had opened my heart and let an outsider in, ones I thought were my friends, shared deep secrets with…and in a blink because things got too hard for them, they bailed and left me to clean up. With no explanation.
So, when that line from Who Knew came one today, it was letting me connect the dots and realize that I was afraid of abandonment. Do you know how I felt in that moment? Well first mad…cause like that’s not true…then a since of calm…yeah it is true. I thought I had come to terms with my father not wanting me…but in that moment of complete abandonment, I wasn’t…Who Knew!

Thank you P!NK.

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