Category: Church

Who Knew?

I know its been a while since I blogged, but my mind wouldn’t let me focus. However in the last few days the fog that was around me has begun to lift and I am able to focus better now.
With that being said, I am going to make this a little more personal blog than those in the past. There are a few things that have made me have an ahha moment. The biggest one happened on my 4 mile walk this morning, while listening to some music. So I hope what I write about today, in some way, can help someone else. So thank you in advance for letting me share a little bit about me and my silly life.
So here goes…like I said earlier, I was on my walk this morning, listening to music. I love music it just has a way to make you see things clearer.
Well this song came one, one by P!NK And there was a line in this song that just hit me. Now mind you I have heard this song a lot, P!NK is one of my favorite performers. So anyway, her song Who Knew came on and the line was, “If someone said three years from now you’d be long gone.” hit me like someone had just punched me in the gut. Do you ever get that feeling? Whether from a song, book, tv or movie. One that just puts things in a little better focus. That’s what that one line did for me this morning. Let me explain…
If you have read any of my earlier blogs then you know that most of my depression and anxiety come from my father. While the rest comes from me trying to conform to the environment I live in and also trying to come to terms with…how I’m not close to hardly Anyone and why God and church bother me so much. This one line in this song that I have heard so many times hit me so hard that I made a connection. My dad didn’t like me, didn’t want me and let me know that on a daily basis. I wished everyday that I was growing up to just disappear, go somewhere else or just die. It really didn’t matter to me. Just somewhere I would be wanted. Well God wasn’t answering any prayers so I was stuck.
So, hang with me I about to make my point, when I became an adult, got married had kids, we decided that we would give church a chance. I had never been a church goer and this whole God thing was a put off to me. He was supposed to be your “Father”. Well I knew about fathers. But in time I did get closer to letting Him get close to me. I did this with the patients of a couple of pastors I worked with. They let me go at my own pace and guided me when necessary. I worked there for six and a half years and by the end of that time the pastors I worked with, that I trusted just turned their back on me.
So there I was being rejected once again and this time I had let it happen. (Which is one reason we haven’t attend church on a regular basis since.) I had opened my heart and let an outsider in, ones I thought were my friends, shared deep secrets with…and in a blink because things got too hard for them, they bailed and left me to clean up. With no explanation.
So, when that line from Who Knew came one today, it was letting me connect the dots and realize that I was afraid of abandonment. Do you know how I felt in that moment? Well first mad…cause like that’s not true…then a since of calm…yeah it is true. I thought I had come to terms with my father not wanting me…but in that moment of complete abandonment, I wasn’t…Who Knew!

Thank you P!NK.



I would be happy…If Only…

If OnlyIf only the voices in my head loved me. If only I loved myself. If only I could make friends. If only…
How many of us have these questions and more in our heads, hearts or souls? The church that I attend is doing a sermon on this… and they are putting on the pre sermon screen the “If Only’s” that are putting the “humorous” comments up…because we all know that everyone will only put up the “funny” ones.
I on the other hand have been tweeting the ones that matter to me, probably to most of the people in the church…
I would be happy…If only…the voices in my head would let me…I would be happy…If only…I could get people to see me for me…I would be happy…If Only…I could get a Chicago Style hot dog…that last one is not mine but the kind of “funny” lines they show…
I would be happy if I could find a true and honest person who doesn’t have this whole “God” thing figured out…I would be happy if only I could make a connection to someone else who has questions just like me…I would be happy if only people didn’t judge me before they met me…I would be happy if only people knew how lonely they knew I was because I have trouble making friends.
Those are the “If Only” I wish they would put up…I would not feel so alone, so ashamed of how far I have not come in my walk. If only…two very powerful words that mean more than anyone will ever know. Something to think about the next time you ask some one…
You would be happy…If Only…

oh-noI am not a big fan of people who like to spread the word of God…Scratch that…I don’t mind talking about God, what I do mind is the ones who feel it is necessary to bug you in the grocery store. Come to you neighborhood and knock on your door. The ones who stop you at the park and bark at you if you turn and walk away, saying ugly, ugly things. These are the ones who know what God wants for you and come hell or high water they will let you know exactly what that is.
Now with that said, I am not opposed to people spreading the word but I do think they should at least be willing to tell the truth. The truth is not what that one person thinks the bible says about God. It is not about them telling you that if you don’t repent right here and now you are going to hell. No! That is not what it is about.
I am not a scholar on the bible, I do not claim to be in with the “Man up Stairs” but I do know in my heart that God will meet you where you are. He doesn’t want you to meet Him where He is. You don’t have to be a believer, go to church, read the bible any of that to just talk to God. God loves you know matter who you are, what you have done, who you marry, who you vote for. The relationship that you have with Him is up to you.
It is never going to be an easy relationship, and it shouldn’t be. If you step into this or any kind of relationship you know it will take work. You will get mad at God, that won’t bother Him. You will yell at Him, no problem. You may even stop talking to Him for a while…that is okay; He is a big boy and will be waiting when you are ready to talk again. All relationships require work, this one will too.
It is not easy to just give yourself up to someone totally in the first few minutes, hours, days, weeks, months…or yes years. This one may take a lifetime, so the ones who come and knock on your door, stop you in the store, or yell at you in the park don’t really know, in my opinion, what it is like to have a relationship with God. He doesn’t want you to scare a person into a relationship with Him…
He just wants to have a conversation with you, to let you know that in the end…Love Wins and He loves you. So now…How can I answer your questions?

Pastor Please…

censorship3Do you know what bugs me? Of course you don’t, but guess what? I am going to let you know. It is Christians behaving badly! What do I mean by that? I mean that they are all out and about “spreading” the word of God, when in reality all they are doing is PREACHING at people. Not bringing anyone closer to God.
The ones who suffer the most are the kids. They think that shielding them from the “wicked” world they will save them from harm. Then they wonder why the child leaves the church when they are old enough to do so. I do not have a problem with teenagers and young adults looking for answers and trying to figure things out on their own…how are they suppose to realize that God is who He says He is. It is not a bad thing; it is a growing up thing.
The other people to suffer are the ones who reach out for help and are told they have to stop doing this, stop watching that, stop reading crap, stop listening to crap! Why on earth would anyone, who is new to the “Christian” way want to say…”Hey sign me up for a seat on the train to heaven.” If they have to stop doing what others perceive as the devils doing, you have to reach them were they are and bring them in by showing them what is good about God, not rules and laws. God isn’t about that. He sent His son to die for our sins, not for you to judge anyone sins. Just because your neighbor may watch something you don’t or read something you wouldn’t making it out to be nothing but the devils work does nothing to promote your desire to bring someone closer to God. It will just drive a wedge between you and them and them and God. Who wants someone who is so stuck on what you are doing wrong to ever love you and let you praise Him for what He is doing for you?
Now I am not saying that you need to lose your beliefs to bring someone else along…I am saying that you need to remember what it was like when you were new to the whole Christian lifestyle and stop…STOP! Making it what people are doing wrong and start…START! Making it how can I better show what God can do. Just because you were “scared” into believing in God, does not give you the right to do it to others. Yes I do mean scared. Why else would you be acting the way you are? God is not something or someone to be feared but someone who wants to love each and every one of us…no matter where we are on our path, from the born again to the one who doesn’t believe, to the atheist to the Muslim, to the Jew.
God loves each and every one of us…so next time you hear anyone saying something that just makes you not like being a Christian, I beg you to step out and call them out…
Pastor Please!

Stop the World…

You don’t have to look very far to see that people are hurting. You don’t have to listen very hard to know that people are crying. But no one seems to notice, or want to.
Why is that? Cause people are so wrapped up in themselves to see others. Or they just don’t want to. We are suppose to be a “Christian” nation, all this nonsense from the right yelling at everyone to let the church help those in needs, let the private job creatures help those…it is not the government’s responsibility to do that. Yet where do we stand today? We stand here having no one helping anyone.
The left is too scared to stand up to the right…the right is to stuck up to care about anything, let alone, anyone. “My money is too important to help!” or more like it… “I am too important to get my hands dirty.” So the needy fall through the cracks.
Oh you have a few churches that have causes they help. But the trend right now is for all the churches to support all the same causes…just in different names. There is nothing wrong with that, but to limit what you do as a church just seems a bit well cowardly. Now I know that churches can’t help every cause, but they should at least try and support different causes helping different organizations.
It just pisses me off that there is so much out there that no one seems to care about. That is why I would like to let you know that I am going to make helping people who are depressed and have tried to hurt themselves my project…my one of many. I am in that boat that I can understand what it is like to scream and no one hear you, to be in a crowded room and be invisible, to sit at home with a bottle of booze and a bottle of pills just trying to talk yourself out of doing it.
I cut my arms…there I have said it. I don’t like doing it, but when I am so stressed and in my “voices” zone the only way I can handle it is to do that. I don’t do it as often now as I did when I was growing up, but I do go back there and do it sometimes. I don’t want that to be my life…it won’t be easy to stop, but I want to try. I feel like if I reach out to others who are in need of help or just want to talk then I can help them, just as much as they can help me. I am tired of being in a crowded room and feeling like I don’t belong. I want to feel like I own the place…I want to show everyone, from the right to the left, from God to the Devil that you cannot break us. We will not take it lying down anymore. We are more than the downcast looks that people give us.
We are just as important as the big banks, as the people on Wall ST. We are just as important as the next guy. We don’t want a hand out…we want an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hug to say “I am here for you.” We just want a friend to call our own. If you don’t like that then…
Stop the World…and get the HELL off!!!!

All That…

You know I have been blogging out the way I feel the last couple of blogs…which has been very very good. Hoping that I would almost be done with that, but alas no such luck at least not yet.
So if you would indulge me once again I would like to go on my weekly cleansing of my soul. This time is will be more spiritual then the last. I am just so tired of feeling like that I have to apologize for being a democrat. That I have to be sorry for believing that I am more than my gender and better than what others think of me. I do not need someone telling me that if I don’t read the bible on a daily basis that I am not in touch with God…they don’t know how I talk to God.
To me God is more than just someone up in heaven…He is all around. God to me is the trees, the grass, the leaves, my dogs, my kids laughing…God is all that to me and so much more. I don’t need to read a book to know that I am loved; I get that every day from all of the great creatures that He created. From my family, from my puppies, from the air that I breathe God is all around me.
But when I do wish to do something to give back to all that has been given to me all I am met with is condensation. I want to help and show others that God can be a great thing…but when you get told that what you do is not consider “spiritual” then why bother…when you say you can help they say…we will keep that in mind. You know what I don’t care anymore.
I will do what I can on my end to show the people I know and don’t know the kind of God that I see each and every day. The one who brought me my hubby, my kids and all the wonderful puppies, kitties and all the animals that I have had, to me that is God.
God is not something or someone to be put in a book or a box. God is the universe the stars, the clouds the air, the rain the snow the heat, He is all that and more. I know I shouldn’t be angry or upset about how it is in the church world. It just makes me sad that it has gone that way. The way of being and thinking only our way is the right way. I don’t even think they would know who Jesus was if He walked into a church today. He probably would be asked to leave. Not dressed the right way, hair to long, sorry no sandals here.
I would love to sit and talk to Jesus and just say thank you for the beautiful world you let me keep safe for you. If that makes people mad and that makes me a liberal outcast than I will be All That…and MORE!!!

Be True:

I am so tired of people telling me who to vote for, who to listen to who to worship etc. I have had it up to my eyeballs with so much arguing and yelling that my “soul” can no longer take it.
Who do you think you are to force your decision on me? I do not begrudge an honest discussion but do not like the fact that if I do not think your way then I am doomed to hell and will live forever in damnation. Well guess what jerk…that is exactly where I grew up so all I would be doing is going home.
It has taken me a very long time to find my voice, but now that I have I will not be silenced. I cannot. My son and daughter depend on me being able to stand up for myself. It has taken a long time for me to realize this, but now that I have I cannot turn back now. Nor will I!!!
Now for my time to speak up…I first will say that I do believe in God and Jesus, I also believe that God and Jesus would be so disappointed in the way mankind has so easy said that He believes in this and not that. Jesus walked with people that no one else would walk with. He ate with peoples that no one else would eat with, He talked to people that no one else would talk to. So how the hell would begin to know what Jesus would do today? You don’t and neither do I…so stop putting Him in your little square peg fits into a round hole puzzle. God is bigger than that. You and your church probably would not even let Jesus in your church. Why? Because He doesn’t fit the way your church looks, feels, worships, or even dresses. Jesus had long hair and wore what is akin to a dress today. He was either barefoot or wore sandals. He spoke up for the people who as you would call them today…”entitled” The poor, the weak, the homeless etc. He did not select who He would represent by what party He was affiliated to. Cause He was not affiliated to a party.
So let me say this so that you complete understand where I am coming from. You can have all the beliefs you would like to have. I however believe that Jesus and God would be hanging their head and crying because His children are not sending the message out that He had written down.
Matthew 25:40
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
So as for me…To Thine Own Self …
Be True!

I have been away for a while. Battling some demons and myself, while still trying to let God lead me down the path He wants me to be on. Well the demons are still here and the path is no clearer now then it was a day, a week or a month ago. My faith is hitting the low numbers.

I haven’t given up on God, I know He works things out in His time, but see the whole problem with that is the people who want their money now could care less if God has a plan for you. Because they have one too…they will shut off your gas, foreclose on your house, or take your car if they don’t get paid. To hell with the plan God has for you cause theirs trumps Gods…in the short term. But isn’t that how we all are living right now? In the short term?

Having faith, to me is such a strange and distant thing. I have always heard that God has a plan for you, me or anyone out there who believes in Him. I have always believed in Him, but I have also questioned Him. I questioned why God would put a child into a family where He knew she was not wanted, why He thought that lesson was important for her to learn. You hear that God is a good God; He is your heavenly father. I could not relate to that. My father was a mean son of a bitch and hated me more than anything in the world. I was the reason he was unhappy. So you can see why my believing God has a plan for me cause me to pause.

Now that I am an adult my understanding of God is different, as it should be, but my faith in how He does things still elude me. If I ask for prayer because we, my family, are struggling right now all I get met with is…”Well so and so their mom just passed. We need to pray for them.” Or “The Jones are adopting a child, we need to pray for them.” And so forth…Now don’t get me wrong I am not at all saying that my problems are more important than the next fellow, in fact I wouldn’t even say anything if I wasn’t already so far out of my mind that I just need someone else to try their hand at reaching the man upstairs. I am just wondering who put the priority on what is more important to God for God. Why is it more important to pray for one thing then it is for the other thing? I don’t recall anywhere in the Bible Jesus saying…”You can pray to my father, but I need to know what you are praying for so I can assign you a number.”

It just seems like such a bunch of crap for lack of a better word. This whole ordeal has taken its toll on me and my family. There are days that I just look out my window and think…what it would be like to just vanish. But I don’t I do other crazy things instead. This is all to relieve my pain and ease my troubles. Now, for all my friends from high school, I know I can call you and I know you will listen, but this is a battle far beyond just listening. The stakes are high and the price to be paid is even greater. I do feel alone, but I do know that you all care and I am forever grateful to you for that. Just know that I am tired, not stupid. I feel your friendship every time I shed a tear, or scream at the top of my lungs. I know you are there. To my husband, this has not a reflection on you…this is me not seeing me in the correct way. My faults not yours.

So back to battling the demons and myself…it has been a long month. It has been a freaking long year. Things are tight and the demons, right now, have the upper hand. But all they have right now is a few victories; the war is still going on. Though I may fight and struggle with God on a daily basis. Question everything He does, yell at Him when His time and my time do not meet. I don’t think He would want it any other way. He knows me and knows my thinking. He knows that I will be the one to stand up and say, “Wait, why can’t I do it myself?” Or “What the heck is taking so long on the prayer request?” I have learned that God is big enough for me to get mad at, and that He still loves me anyway.

So, I will end with what I started with, but I just want you to know that I do have faith, it grows more each day. I do pray and I do believe…but there are days that I…
Pray to a God that I don’t believe in.

Dear God,

Dear God,
I am tired. I am tired of just about everything. I am tired of not being connected at church. I am tired of sitting at my house alone. No phone calls, no nothing. Don’t get me wrong, my dogs are great and I would have gone totally mental if it were not for them. I would have also gone mental if my husband and children were not here. But they cannot be my main source of talk.
You, you say that we should fellowship that we should gather and be together. I don’t know what I have to do to get people to talk to me. I like to think I am a likeable person I don’t know, no one will talk to me. I know they like my daughter and my son. They ask about them, they ask if my hubby is okay, heck they even call him if he misses church.
I guess I am just being selfish. I want a friend at church. Someone who will be there for me as I would be there for them, to just listen and let me talk as I would let them talk. To unload some stress, to get new ideas about how to solve a problem someone to help me pray and release some of my troubles to you. It would not have to be an everyday type of thing. We could meet once a week, heck I would be happy for once a month. You saw how happy I was to work for 45 minutes helping out at my daughter’s school this month. How sad is that? I had never felt as energized as I did that day, not in a long time. Why? I was around people, grownups who talked to me. Laughed with me, told me stories and let me help them.
If I am asking too much, please let me know. If it is not meant to be that I have a friend at church who would like to hang with me and we could just talk, then let me know. I don’t wish to waste anyone’s time. I don’t come early to church and I don’t stay late because I don’t feel like I fit in. I do not feel like I should be there. If that is me then please let me know. I will be more than happy to do what you want me to do to get through this.
I am so tired of being alone. So very tired of not having anyone to share with or to have anyone to pray with. I am not strong in my faith to go it alone, neither is my hubby. So I am going out on a limb just writing you this note. I am going to try and put this in your hands and let you do what you think is best, all I want you to know is that my spiritual life and total well being is slowly slipping away from me. I need to have someone who lives close to me be my friend.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I didn’t mean to bother you with this, I should know how to handle stuff like this already, but it just still hurts the wounds are still open. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you, Amen

Living on the Outside

There are people out there who live their lives alone, but not alone. They live with a group of other people who see, hear, taste and smell the world as they do. The world where they do not fit in, some are more extreme than others. There are the ones who stand on the corner saying the world is coming to an end…which is good information to have. There are the ones that leave the shelter every morning to take their kids to school and then go to work. There are those that live in a neighborhood that is all but normal and they are not. But the one thing all of these people have in common is that they could be us. They are many of us. Ones who don’t feel like they belong are always making people cross the street so they don’t catch what they might be caring.
They look through glass windows at the wonder of the other side. Not that they are not happy with themselves, cause many are, they just see the delight that all of us seem to miss. The shine of a new key, the smell of bread baking, the warmth of a brand new blanket, they are happy for what they do have. It may not be much but it is all theirs. They are fine with that. They take the simplest of pleasures and make us wish we could feel like that again.
The life they lead is not easy, though some of us would like to think of them as lazy, crazy and just waiting for a hand out. But they do not see their life as being hard. They approach life differently than we do…we see each day as a struggle one we have to work through and we don’t like it. They see each day as a blessing one they feel grateful for because they are alive again to live it. They know the struggle is there but it is that very struggle that make them work harder, dream bigger and love deeper than the rest of us do.
We don’t see them, we look right through them. Why? Because they don’t act like us, dress like us, worship like us, pray like us or even eat like us. They don’t even spend money like us. They buy things they need, they will use in a day. They don’t buy disposal items, too many things in their life is already disposal able. So when they walk near us, talk to us we just turn away. You do it…I do it…we all do it. We don’t want to be reminded that it could be us that are trying to make sure that the roof over my head, the food in my cart, the shoes I have on will last one more day.
They are not all homeless, they are not all “crazy” they are not all clean, they are not all talkative. Some drink too much, some drink too little. Some don’t bathe for days, some are dreamers, and some are moms, dads, granddads and grandmas. Some have kids, some have pets. Most are alone. Most are lonely. But, they all live with us. They all live around us; they just want to be with us.
I don’t want to look through someone anymore. I don’t want to be the person who just walks by and doesn’t at least acknowledge that this is a person. I have lived in that place, I live in that place. I should know better than that and you know what…the sun came up and the day was bright and I saw a person I didn’t want to be and I saw a person I did wish to become. I want to be that person who is standing at the glass window and marveling the beauty of anything and everything. I want to just like the person who is…
Living on the Outside