Category: Letters

Dear Dad,

Dear-DadI thought of you today and wondered if you knew how much you “screwed” up my life? No of course you did not…why would you…if it did not effect you on a personal level then you just did not care.
Well just so you know it did affect me and quite possible all of your kids, but I will just speak for me. I hate you with all that can be hated. When you died I didn’t want you to go to HELL…I wanted you to go beyond HELL…to a depth that only one that has brought total unrest and unhealthy life to be resigned too…if there is a depth below HELL then that is where you belong.
The turmoil that I am going through right now I will admit I do not souly  blame on you…but the roots are there and they are firm. You have made such a horrific impact on your families lives that I am amazed that there is anyone who can say they knew you. You always said that I blamed you for being GAY…NOT NOT NOT true…I embrace the LGBT community and fight for their rights to be a family…maybe that would have made you a better person…but we will never know….so that is you cross to bare, not mine.
I do know that I wish that I was never born to you or MOM. That I would have been put up for adoption of just KILLED in the womb…then maybe I would not be so screwed up today. Maybe I would be able to see the good in people…or at least been born to someone who would have raised me in a home that wanted me…I don’t know if that would have happened, but then again then you don’t know that either.
I don’t blame mom as much as I blame you, one because she was so naïve that it was impossible to see a sick sociopath that was right in front of her…YOU!!! But I can hold her in to not leaving you when she did find out who you were…and was all along…just like you should have left her, not kept up that stupid little show…inviting other men over having them spend the night while mom slept in my room.
Then you wondered why your sons thought it was okay to rape me and take me to their bed and have sex with me. What a screwed up family we were. What a screwed up family YOU built…YOU BUILT…YOU not any one else… you said over and over again that you wanted nothing but sons and that I was a mistake so you always looked the other way and had mom look the other way when your SONS did what they did. I always wished you would die and just drift away somewhere that no one would miss you.
Do you know how much I hate myself…do you know how much I stab myself in the back to make me not even know that there are people around me that care…and when I do find out that they care…I have to run as fast as I can from them so that they are not pulled into your sick way of doing things…I have never hated someone as much as I have hated you since the day that God gave me the ability to hate someone…
Every time I try to bring myself out of the hole that you…YES you have dug me into…the more dirt falls upon me…so now I say to you…if you want me to go to HELL so that YOU can go to HEAVEN then so be it….I would rather live somewhere I am use to then to be anywhere you are.
Thanks for NOTHING…


Dear Andy Stanley

writing_letters11Have you ever wanted to just send a letter to someone you didn’t know but totally respected. Someone that you thought would be the best person to lay your life on the line with and hold nothing back. You could tell that person anything and everything, because hey they don’t know you.
You would start the letter off by saying, “You are sorry to bother them, but needed to vent or confess to someone and you look like a very trustworthy person.” Then go into depth. You would talk about the way you feel like you have ruined everyone’s life. How nothing you do is ever good enough, and so you just stop trying. The way people walk away from you when you walk in the room. How people talk about you behind your back because of what you post or say on your social media account.
Maybe you just want to get that long ago secret that you have been keeping off your chest. You know the one about your dad, mom, brother, sister, etc. The one where you were abused, the one where one of your parents was gay, that one of you siblings is homeless and is drinking him/herself to death.
Or maybe it is one of your deep dark secrets, one that you may or may not be ashamed of but because people say you need to be an open book, until they hear your story, you only feel comfortable sharing to a stranger. You were raped, you had an abortion, you robbed a bank.
Maybe it is just something as simple as that the people around you, the ones who say they are your friends and announce from the mountain tops that they are Christians, are the same people who will shame you and judge you for your past transgressions and the only way you feel safe to reveal anything to anyone is to someone you do not know.
As you sit at your desk, table or laptop, thinking of that person to write to you wonder what they will think when they get the letter you have put together in your mind. Will they think “Wow this person is trying to make it through.” Or will they just toss it in the trash. Well does it matter either way, why? Because you, have taken that step and put yourself out there and released some of the demons that were trapped inside you.
You may not feel comfortable in telling those close to you and right now I say why should you, if you have gotten it off your soul and just put it on “paper”, you don’t even have to send it, then you have done something that most people don’t. You have taken a step to take back your life.
Now, if you will be so kind, I have a letter to write…
Dear Andy Stanley,
You don’t know me, but I have a story to tell you…

Don’t Speak The Truth…

Wow just learned a real good lesson and it only cost me what was left of my soul. I am so fucking tired of being treated like I am an idiot. So I have decided not to say anything except here. I can vent here and get it out. Or maybe just start cutting myself again. That always makes me feel better. I get a small rush and the pain goes away. For a while.
I know what you’re going to say, “That will not help you at all” and I know that…but for the moment it makes me feel better and I need something to make me feel better. When one can’t even speak their mind on FaceBook than were can one go?
Now mind you I do not discourage having an open honest discussion and even a constructive argument. What I do not want to have is somebody telling me that I am totally misinformed and am just full of bullshit. I will not be little your stance or you yourself all that I ask is that you do the same for me. Facts are one thing…name calling and lies are not.
I may not have gone to college, but I do read and keep up with current events enough to know what the current facts are and what is going on in the world. If I wanted to be treated like a child then I would have never left home. At least there I knew that my “father” only said cruel things because he hated me…I don’t know why people say things like that now. If you hate me do talk to me, don’t friend me on FaceBook, to tweet me, don’t text me just “X” me out of your life with the kind or even unkind words that we should not be friends anymore.
I will respect your wishes and leave you alone. But for the love of all that is bright and sunny do not…I do mean DO NOT…treat me like I am a total idiot who should be proud that she can feed herself, let alone walk. You do nothing for yourself by treating others like they are beneath you or less than you.
So to close just remember those four words that the voices in my head keep reminding me to do…
Don’t Speak The Truth…

Dear God,

Dear God,
I am tired. I am tired of just about everything. I am tired of not being connected at church. I am tired of sitting at my house alone. No phone calls, no nothing. Don’t get me wrong, my dogs are great and I would have gone totally mental if it were not for them. I would have also gone mental if my husband and children were not here. But they cannot be my main source of talk.
You, you say that we should fellowship that we should gather and be together. I don’t know what I have to do to get people to talk to me. I like to think I am a likeable person I don’t know, no one will talk to me. I know they like my daughter and my son. They ask about them, they ask if my hubby is okay, heck they even call him if he misses church.
I guess I am just being selfish. I want a friend at church. Someone who will be there for me as I would be there for them, to just listen and let me talk as I would let them talk. To unload some stress, to get new ideas about how to solve a problem someone to help me pray and release some of my troubles to you. It would not have to be an everyday type of thing. We could meet once a week, heck I would be happy for once a month. You saw how happy I was to work for 45 minutes helping out at my daughter’s school this month. How sad is that? I had never felt as energized as I did that day, not in a long time. Why? I was around people, grownups who talked to me. Laughed with me, told me stories and let me help them.
If I am asking too much, please let me know. If it is not meant to be that I have a friend at church who would like to hang with me and we could just talk, then let me know. I don’t wish to waste anyone’s time. I don’t come early to church and I don’t stay late because I don’t feel like I fit in. I do not feel like I should be there. If that is me then please let me know. I will be more than happy to do what you want me to do to get through this.
I am so tired of being alone. So very tired of not having anyone to share with or to have anyone to pray with. I am not strong in my faith to go it alone, neither is my hubby. So I am going out on a limb just writing you this note. I am going to try and put this in your hands and let you do what you think is best, all I want you to know is that my spiritual life and total well being is slowly slipping away from me. I need to have someone who lives close to me be my friend.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I didn’t mean to bother you with this, I should know how to handle stuff like this already, but it just still hurts the wounds are still open. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you, Amen

Dear Life

Dear Life,
Okay I give up you win!!!! I have given everything I can and all you want is more. Just when I think I have a chance to breath you are like…”I don’t think so!” With an evil laugh and an ugly grin. What more do you want?
You have taken everything away that I can give up and still have a home to live in…you have absconded with every last drop of my blood so that I can barely pay the bills. Can I please have a slight bit of sunshine to cope with the doom and gloom that you keep heaping on me?
Can you tell me what I did to deserve this? Was I not a good enough girl growing up…not a good enough wife, mother, pet owner…Oh I know…not a good enough Christian. Okay tell me this…what is your definition of a good enough Christian? Because I apparently do not know. I do know that “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, and then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.” Is that it my lifestyle is too grand? Or is it that you think I don’t talk about my faith enough.
Whatever it is I am done. I don’t care anymore; I don’t want to care anymore. I am so beyond giving a rat’s a__ that I am beginning to wish I was never born. I help people and never expect any help in return. I praise people not asking for any back I love people not asking for any in return. Isn’t that the way that Jesus said it should be.
How desperate do I have to be, to get, before you decide that “Okay we are done with her, she is never coming back from this. Let’s move on.” I would really like to know so that when that time comes I have an oxygen mask because I have forgotten what it feels like to breath.
So, Life, if you do give half a rats a__ then you know that I am defeated. I never wanted the big house on the hill; my little house was just fine. I never wanted the expensive car, my little Honda was great. Never wanted a perfect husband, kids or dogs…the ones I have are the best. So Life you may have beaten me at all the outside things the ones that mean a lot to you or to others and fine you can have them…my house, my car but I will keep my family. They are the reason I haven’t gone insane and the reason you haven’t won.
P.S. Today is the only day that I give up…be ready for a huge fight tomorrow. I will be coming out swinging. Better go and get your armor.