Category: Uncategorized


give me

Give me…A quite and restful mind. A place to go to sooth my soul and ease my weary body.

Give me…A friend I can count on. A reason for moving. A place to go and not be alone.

Give me…Words to speak when my mind won’t let me. Love for the lonely. A pen and not a sword.

Give me…Someone to hear my prayers. Someone to see my tears.

Give me…Hope for my children. Peace in my restless world.

Give me…Time to heal. A love that is real.

Give me…Food for my hunger. Water for my un-quenched thirst.

Give me…A bandage for my wounds. A spotlight for my scars.

Give me…An undeniable reason to share my story.

Give me…LOVE!

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Lifesong

LifeSong11

I was doing my usual walk this morning and I was listening to music…cause that is life…and a song came on that I have heard a thousand times, but this time I heard it differently. It was Lifesong by Casting Crowns. They talk about letting their firm belief in God be their Lifesong to God and all the people around them. A big amen to that…but with those of us who struggle with just trying to find our Lifesong, I have a novel idea.

What if you, your struggles, your ups and downs, your highs and lows…from depression to anxiety be a Lifesong to the ones who don’t understand. What if we could bodily go out there and show everyone that we are here and we would like you to know that we maybe bent, but we are not broken. We can do that we can show the world, okay maybe not the world, but at least your family and friends, that you have a Lifesong and that they need to know what that is. You have to get out there and show them that on a day to day basis you are giving everything you have to yourself to make you a stronger, happier, less anxious…etc, person.

You have to let them know that this is not something you woke up one day and said…”Hey you know what I would like…” and fill in the blank. Some of you get up in the morning and say…”Today will be better than yesterday.” or “Today I will not let others get me down.” or “The voices in my head will not dictate how I will feel today.” That is when you know that you are living your Lifesong, that is when you need to make sure that everyone near and dear to you know that you are more than what is visible to them. You are a strong person, scared person, a shy person…you are a person.

You need to show them your hopes, dreams, fears and your Lifesong. Let your Lifesong sing to them. Let them see you in all your glory and all your sadness. Let them know that you are here and you need them. You are opening up your nailed shut door and trying to let some sun in and that you would like them to come in as well.

It won’t be easy and you will have set backs. Most people don’t understand mental illness and there are many more who still refuse to admit they are suffering. So if you and I could just let our Lifesong sing to them…then maybe we can not only save ourselves…but them as well.

I would like to say thank you to Casting Crowns for their beautiful song Lifesong. You will never know how much that song helped me on my walk this morning. Thank you.

 

 

Starbucks!

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There are things that you have to do to make your illness manageable…meditation, exercising even medicine. Then there’s the things that you do in spite of your illness.
This could be anything, from talking to friends, watching your favorite movie, finding something you Love on sale…with a coupon! Yes you do so many things to enjoy yourself in the midst of some crazy times. And damn it you should. I know it can be hard…and there will be times when you don’t feel like doing anything for yourself. Understandable, but just because of one bad minute, hour, day…etc, doesn’t mean that you stop. You take that time and hold it, embrace it, learn from it then you let that shit go and do what makes you feel less crazy.
There are too many things in life that can control us if we let them. But there are also so many things in life that can build you up and bring you back to life. You just need to take those baby steps and go out and conquer your sidewalk, lawn, grocery store…whatever, just take it slow. Now if you will pardon me…I’m going to Starbucks!

Idle Thoughts

So I don’t know about you, but I have to keep my mind busy. Which is why I have been lax in writing this week. You give me enough time to think…we’ll lets just say it won’t be pretty.
Can you relate? I mean if given half a chance the voices in my head would take over and the “party” would begin. So as I was saying, we all have that one thing that we have to avoid when it comes to the mental condition we have. The thing we would avoid at all cost. Big crowds, small crowds, loud places…quite places. Not having enough to do, having to much to do.
Being scared if you stop to breathe…or stop doing anything, we’ll nothing good can or would come from that. That’s the time when you think of everything ugly, bad…ETC! Could and does happen. Well most of the time it’s not a good thing.
Like I said I’ve been busy this week, not that it always helps. There are days that even keeping busy doesn’t help. Sometimes it just delays the inedible. That you will eventually have to face the darkness that’s in you. The thoughts that scare you…make you wish that you could scrub your brain free.
But you know what? You don’t have to fear those “down” times. You don’t have to keep busy so you won’t be afraid to be alone or be with people. You just have to be willing to sit down not be afraid and have those…Idle Thoughts.

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controlDo you know how hurtful it is to be told that you don’t know how to be angry? Well let me tell you that it doesn’t go well when you have depression or anxiety to be told that you don’t know how to be angry…especially when angry is all you feel sometimes. Plus you can only be angry in the way you have been for years and years.

When you try to be angry in the normal way, the correct way, all that does is make you more and more angrier. So that is when you sit and say to yourself, “What am I doing wrong?” that is when the voices in your head and the anxiety start to bubble to the surface. Then you are faced with so many other “troubles” that angry is just the smallest one in the bag.

The voices get to loud the anxiety takes control and then you feel like everything you touch is worthless, that you are worthless. It can happen with the simplest things, things that another person can just let go…but not you, you have to figure it out and that makes you mad. You have to scream, yell, punch or do whatever it takes to make the pain or anger you feel go away. To make the anxiety stop! To figure out why you are a worthless piece of…

Nothing is as hard to explain, overcome or deal with then the fact that you don’t know how to be angry. You don’t know how to control this uncontrollable hurt, anxiety…ANGER that is inside you. The thing that makes you feel so small that all you can do is get…

ANGRY!

 

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labelsEveryone does them…I hate them…yes I know hate is such a strong word…but it fits this blog I am posting. Why? Because I have been labeled…and I don’t deserve it…I may not think the way you think, believe the way you believe but that doesn’t make me a monster…as you will put it.
I am a person who has the right to think and believe what she wants to and can supposedly without the fear of being excluded from things…I mean that is how I operate… but apparently not you…because I don’t believe the way you do.
You know what I should just say “Fu_) You…but I can’t because I feel bad when people are left out and pushed to the side…maybe if you knew how that felt then you would not be so quick to “label” people. But you can’t help it…it is the way “your” Jesus told you how things are suppose to be done…Boy are you reading the wrong “book.”
But let me stop and say…okay, I just don’t believe and think like you…I have an open mind and can handle any and all people that don’t think like me. It is just a shame that you can’t expand your horizons because you can’t except people who do NOT think, act and behave like you…I feel sorry for you.
I just wish that you could open your eyes and see that there are people around you that have been hiding behind a wall, for the only reason, to be your friend, I will not cowtow to that belief and compromise myself for something that I don’t feel like I can be able to stress…Nor should you, I don’t want a fake friend I want a real friend…I guess you did not….
Am I sad that it has come to this…yes and no…I knew for a while that it would end like this, does that make it any easier…no, it does not, but that is something for you to reflect on, not me…I am who I am and I feel like I should not have to change to fit into your check list of who should be my friend and who should not…You should except any and everyone for who they are…NOT who you want them to be. Jesus did…
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And as the seas…

And as the seasons come and go, here’s something you might like to know. There are fairies everywhere: under bushes, in the air, playing games just like you play, singing through their busy day. So listen, touch, and look around – in the air and on the ground. And if you watch all nature’s things, you might just see a fairy’s wing. ~Author Unknown

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,600 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

I am so tired of trying to keep it together. I just want to scream…I can’t take being the one who looks like they are in charge. I am tired of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole…you know what…IT DOESN’T WORK!!!!!!!
Just once I would like a day to go by without a hiccup…wait a hiccup would be great I am tired of the big barf that keeps coming back up. I am slowly being eaten up inside. I have no where to put this stuff. I have nowhere to shove the crap. It just keeps coming.
I don’t want to hear it will get better…because it isn’t! I don’t want to hear it’s a test of your faith…guess what…faith is fading FAST!!!!!! I need to see something good and smooth happen right now and last for more than hour, a minute hell more than a second.
I am tired of praying, I am tired of crying, I am tired of just the whole stupid thing. All I want to do right now is
JUST PUNCH SOMEONE!!!!!!!

Trust me I’m a Ninja

Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a world that has no problems, has no troubles and has now worries. Heck I would like to visit that place on vacation sometime just to get away from it all. But I digress…
Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a kid again, watching Saturday morning cartoons, eating cereal that turns your milk blue and coloring just to color. Oh sure you can do that now, but people think you are a little bit weird.
Sometimes I think that it would be nice to be a pet, all your needs are taken care of, you have someone who loves you…period, belly rubs. No belly rubs for us…again people would consider that weird.
Sometimes I think it would be sweet to be a wild animal, running free in the woods, jungles or even swimming free in the ocean. Living in the great wide open spaces and not having to worry about showering.
Sometimes I think it would be cool to live the Hollywood life, being famous, big house, lots of cars, latest clothes and of course the money would be great too. But again I digress…
Sometimes I think it would be awesome to live out one of the number one songs on the Billboard top 100. You know like the one Nickleback, Tim McGraw, Journey, Bon Jovi etc. Being number one would just be a bonus.
Sometimes I think it would be interesting to live out one of the bestselling books, like a really good mystery maybe one written by John Grisham, James Patterson, and Patricia Cromwell. I would love to solve a good mystery.
Sometimes I think it would be fun to live in Never Never land you know where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell live. Never growing old, having fun chasing Capt. Hook, laughing when he gets scared by the crocodile.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in a world with no problems, no troubles and has no worries. Some where you could just be yourself, somewhere if you walked up to someone and said…
Trust me I’m a Ninja
They wouldn’t laugh at you…they would smile and simply say… “Me too.”