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Undone

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Everyone deals with anxiety, depression or whatever the illness is that we try and hide, differently. You have to find the one thing that makes you feel like you. The real you, not the fake one you feel like you have to show people…the one that makes you run through the flowers…jump on a trampoline…the you that not only sings in the shower, but sings in the line at the store.
No apologies! None, you are meant to be you. You the awesome mom or dad. You the fabulous dresser. You the one that sings the true song in your heart. The only thing that matters is that you be free.
Break those chains that are keeping you afraid. I will give you something from me…I get my butt up every morning at 6:20 and walk with my dogs 2-3 miles. Yes there are days that I do miss and I see what it does to me…but if I miss a day I get back out there the next day walking and singing to my songs on my iPod…while my dogs look at me with love. I do it for me…I see the person I want to be when I’m done…I like that person.
When you feel your world start to fall apart or the walls close in…please don’t shut yourself out. I know it is easy to do, but this is the time that you are free to become what you can become…and that my friend is…UNDONE!

That feeling you get when you have that one special moment when you are absolutely fine…you are in a good place. You made it through the day and the day was good. You smile at your reflection in the mirror, you think to yourself…I am a strong person.
That feeling you get when the good out weighs the bad. When the highs are longer than the lows. You have more rights than wrongs.
That feeling that comes over you when your mind has not deceived you…lead you down that dark path. When the voices are all positive…the sadness is at bay. Anxiety is no where to be found…on this day.
That feeling that lets you know that you are more than this condition you have…this illness has not won. That depression, anxiety, bipolar and all the rest is something that…at some level…can be the thing you control, handle…take charge of.
Because that feeling you get when you take control…this is Amazing Grace.

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You Got To Have Friends

You know what is one of the meanest things that anxiety, depression and any other mental health condition can steal from you? Your social life, your independence…your friends. Yes your friends, most of the time it is sneaky and slow. Then there are the quick and painful…like ripping off a band aid….you pull back, you try to explain but you feel like you are speaking a whole other language.
That’s when you just start pulling away more. It’s just not worth the effort to try and explain. You see less and less of friends…neck of just people in general. You may even stop going outside, all you can think is it’s not worth it.
But please listen to me, I know what it’s like to just want to give up. To just tell yourself that no one will ever understand so why? Why bother? But let me just put this out there…don’t stop putting yourself out there. Don’t let “them” win…this is your race, your life your CHOICE! Now before you start freaking out, just listen, I’m going to give you just a smackeral of advice…you are under no obligation to explain anything to anyone…if you don’t want to.
Depression, anxiety and any other mental health conditions…they do not have to describe you, become your identity. You have a mental health condition you are NOT A MENTAL HEALTH CONDITION! You can explain or not. If they understand great…if they don’t…it’s not your fault.
But please remember that YOU GOT TO HAVE FRIENDS!

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It Been A Long Week

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Have you ever had one of those days that turned into one of those weeks? One that just sends you into such a dizzying effect on each and everything you do or say. One that keeps you in a state that even has you a little worried. One that you would be happy with with just a handful of quite moments.
The week of trials and tribulations is one that can send you into either pure despair or total enjoyment…or if you’re “lucky” both in the same day, check maybe in the same hour or minute. When these days, weeks or months come…and they do…your mood, your mind even your body are not your friends. They do every thing they can to hurt you to discourage you to make you feel unworthy.
Those are the times when you wish your mind was normal, that this “thing” that lives there would find another hotel to go to. You would never wish this on anyone, but you also wish it wasn’t on you. The ups and downs of this week is exhausting, yet sleep is not your friend either. You count down the time in the day or week that your nightmare is over
You just have to remember that it will be over. That you will get back to your normal. Rimind yourself that you are more than this hour, day, week or month. You don’t have to apologize for who you are, because you are you…the most wonderful you there ever was.
So don’t loose yourself in this trial and tribulations because…It’s Been A Long Week.

controlDo you know how hurtful it is to be told that you don’t know how to be angry? Well let me tell you that it doesn’t go well when you have depression or anxiety to be told that you don’t know how to be angry…especially when angry is all you feel sometimes. Plus you can only be angry in the way you have been for years and years.

When you try to be angry in the normal way, the correct way, all that does is make you more and more angrier. So that is when you sit and say to yourself, “What am I doing wrong?” that is when the voices in your head and the anxiety start to bubble to the surface. Then you are faced with so many other “troubles” that angry is just the smallest one in the bag.

The voices get to loud the anxiety takes control and then you feel like everything you touch is worthless, that you are worthless. It can happen with the simplest things, things that another person can just let go…but not you, you have to figure it out and that makes you mad. You have to scream, yell, punch or do whatever it takes to make the pain or anger you feel go away. To make the anxiety stop! To figure out why you are a worthless piece of…

Nothing is as hard to explain, overcome or deal with then the fact that you don’t know how to be angry. You don’t know how to control this uncontrollable hurt, anxiety…ANGER that is inside you. The thing that makes you feel so small that all you can do is get…

ANGRY!

 

Broken

Broken happens. It happens to everything and everyone. Broken doesn’t mean you are damaged…it means you’ve been to the dark side and are now processing your visit. Broken can be a comfort right outside your door. If you are falling apart and barely  breathing. Broken can come in many ways, in many costumes.
Broken should not be a sign of defeat…but a sign of courage. Broken can only beat you if you let it. Broken clocks are a comfort when you sleep at night. If you have a broken heart, but listen it’s still beating…the pain is real but the hope will find meaning.
Broken only stays if you let it, broken only holds when you feel it. Broken calls your name, but never holds your hand. Broken takes you away from you…
Broken…but not damaged…broken but still in love with…

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Walking in Circles

circlesOkay so if you just started following this blog then you will notice that when I first started out I was rambling like no one has ever rambled.  But you know why? I needed to, the voices in my head were all over the place and trying to make since of them was putting me all over the place. Writing down what was going on in my head, with the voices, made me able to sort out and see what was going on.

Now, just so you know, I am still sorting out the voices in my head, they are just not arguing as much and as loud as they use to. They have even begun to help me in my day to day life. I now feel lost if I can’t hear them, but not scared if I do. It has been a long time for me to reach this place. I haven’t camped out here, but I have made peace here. Too many people are scared to make peace with the voices, the depression, the anxiety anything that makes them feel different from the rest of the world.

I understand that, but what if it was the rest of the world that was different and we were the normal ones? That is the way I look at life right in this moment. That is the way I deal with the distractions that are around me and in me on a daily basis. Do I make it every day? No, but there are now more good days then bad. The steps will be hard and different from mine, but I have so much faith in you that I know you can do it. Not because I did but because when you are ready it will be so freeing that you may wonder why, how and whatever?

You will have set backs, I did. Sometimes I made it through just fine, but there were other times that I just shut down. I didn’t want to play this game anymore. I kept saying and thinking to myself, “I have come too far for this to be happening again.” But then I started looking at it like a small gift, a gift to show how far I have come. A gift to say that yes I was like this, sometimes even worse, but now I have grown and am so much better.  I try really hard not to fight the setbacks, not because I don’t want to, but because I know that once I am through them, it may take a hour, a day or a week, I can say that I survived and you didn’t beat me.

The voices have helped me learn to cope, they let me talk to them, they let me scream at them, and they let me lean on them. They now help me be the stronger person I am, they help me see how far I have come. They won’t let me beat myself up for days on end. They will let me cry and scream, so I can get it out. But the one big thing that they won’t let me do, and I am so grateful too, is let me continue to keep…Walking in Circles.

Let’s Go Crazy!

It truly will be okay. For people who suffer with depression and anxiety, that is a phrase that conjures up a negative feeling. I know I use to feel with too. There are so many phrases that make someone who is suffering with any mental disorder feel like what they are going through is not real. That…it’s all in their head. I know it’s not and you know it’s crazy1not, but it just seems that the world thinks it is.

When someone does something wrong and they quickly state that they where insane at the time, that is a hurdle that the ones who are facing that have to overcome. That makes our progress harder for us to show you that what is going on in our mind is real and is scary. Not just a headline for the news.

There are good days and there are bad days, you just hope the good ones outweigh the bad. That when you get up in the morning and your feet hit the floor your mind doesn’t start with the negative thoughts. That the voices in your head will either be silent or at least encouraging, because if they aren’t you are in for one long and challenging day. If you are lucky enough to have positive thoughts and are able to move through the whole day like that you feel slightly uneasy, slightly nervous. Just waiting for what will happen next.

Not that others don’t do that, but for someone who is battling their own demons, they do it against odds that most won’t and wouldn’t want to understand. They fight not only the way the world looks at them and the way they look at the world, but also the way their thoughts, voices, scars…want them to see the world. They have to be on alert for the most smallest of things, from a word to a jester. They, we, see things differently…we hear things differently…we interpret things differently…we have to process things differently. A simple “Hi, how are you?” sets up a sinking feeling in our gut. How do we answer…we can’t tell them how we truly are, the story is way too long and we don’t want to lose that friendship…if we say we are fine…then we are lying to ourselves, but that is the best of the two evils.

So as we walk through this thing called life…let’s remind people that we are here and we are strong enough for them, can they be strong enough for us. Can they let us be who we are and let us be down, sad, angry, crying, frustrated…can they just let us be us. So if we do feel like going crazy we can because it is okay.

So today I am asking that anyone who reads this will find it okay to let yourself go an
d come with me as we travel this journey…LET’S GO CRAZY!

Really I Am

 

 

blurI don’t know where to start this…it has been 2 years since I last wrote something on this. A lot of things have changed and a lot has stayed the same. I have grown in many ways, learning day by day to love myself. Learning to be okay with who I am, but I still struggle with both of those.  I still battle with the voices in my head, they are a constant. I don’t mind them as much as I use to, they are comforting for the most part.

I am, however struggling with a new issue, Anxiety!  That should really be a four letter word.  I get really sick to my stomach going out in public. If I have a destination that I am going to I can manage that, even for the most part have fun. But I got a job, which I now have to quit (due to other circumstances) and I have had a huge burden lifted off of my chest. But then I have anxiety about not bringing in money to help with the bills. To help my husband who struggles every day with pain of RA. He’s a very strong man. I don’t want to disappoint him and let him down, I want to make things easier for him…so then I feel like I have failed at helping him.

So, the more things change the more they stay the same. Just when I think I have made some small steps forward I am reminded of the struggles that I have to overcome. I don’t mind fighting the good fight and going toe to toe with my demons, cause I know that I can do it…on most days. Like I said, a lot of things have changed and a lot has stayed the same. So if I start to ramble, like I seem to be doing, then you know that I am in a good place…really I am…if I have a one themed post then things are dark…that is when I am battling my demons, and they are probably winning.

So, with all that being said, I want to say thank you to all the people who read my ugly junk and some funny shit too! I can be funny when I try. I want you to know that I am truly thankful that you are here. You make what I fight for, go through and live with so much easier and I love you for that.

 

P.S. Have a wonderful day and I promise to do better about posting here. You all make my life worth doing.

I would be happy…If Only…

If OnlyIf only the voices in my head loved me. If only I loved myself. If only I could make friends. If only…
How many of us have these questions and more in our heads, hearts or souls? The church that I attend is doing a sermon on this… and they are putting on the pre sermon screen the “If Only’s” that are putting the “humorous” comments up…because we all know that everyone will only put up the “funny” ones.
I on the other hand have been tweeting the ones that matter to me, probably to most of the people in the church…
I would be happy…If only…the voices in my head would let me…I would be happy…If only…I could get people to see me for me…I would be happy…If Only…I could get a Chicago Style hot dog…that last one is not mine but the kind of “funny” lines they show…
I would be happy if I could find a true and honest person who doesn’t have this whole “God” thing figured out…I would be happy if only I could make a connection to someone else who has questions just like me…I would be happy if only people didn’t judge me before they met me…I would be happy if only people knew how lonely they knew I was because I have trouble making friends.
Those are the “If Only” I wish they would put up…I would not feel so alone, so ashamed of how far I have not come in my walk. If only…two very powerful words that mean more than anyone will ever know. Something to think about the next time you ask some one…
You would be happy…If Only…